Sundays.

Sundays are so hard.

It's so hard to want to wake the girls up for 9am church.

It's so hard to want to make John prepare his lesson when he doesn't want to teach Elders' Quorum. Again. The only time he doesn't teach is if he's sick. And yet he won't ask anyone else to teach.

This week is especially hard making him prepare. It's a hard lesson for him to prepare. It's about trials. And we've had a few. Today he's focusing on the lack of a father in his home and on the crappy mother he's had, and why on earth his mom would have "chosen" to be the mom she is-in the preexistence. What do you say to that? I've tried explaining that she didn't. Sure, she might have chosen some of her trials, but she is not living up to those choices in this life. She is not living her full potential. But I don't know that I helped any.

It's always harder for me to want to come to Church on Sunday on the mornings that he's dragging. If he's upbeat and helpful and ready, I'm fine. But all it takes is a headache, or just a "it'd be so much easier to not go today" from him for me to just not go. And today was so close to being that day. But we made it.

And the girls were not easy. Scharae especially just has been having a rough time lately. Keira, too, but Scharae especially.

And as November 1st draws ever closer I have more and more hard moments and hard days. "I Am A Child of God" was the opening hymn today. That was the song that Bishop, his wife, my parents and John sang while I was holding Taela for the first and last time as she died in my arms. I have a love-hate relationship with that song. So of course I cried all the way through it. Which meant I basically cried throughout church because once I start I just can't stop-especially since the entire lesson in RS was on trials.

But if anyone's interested, we're having a birthday party for Taela on Saturday the 1st. We're choosing to celebrate that, rather than observe the 10th. I think my brother and his wife will happen to be in town from Boise, and so my other brother and his wife are planning on coming down from Centralia. John ordered a Girl Scout Cookie blizzard cake from DQ with a train on it-her gravestone has a train on it. I think we'll go out to her grave site, but maybe just me and John, without the girls. We've never gone alone. Take some balloons out there or something. I have a drawing that Kari had done for me of Jesus holding a baby. The artist used pictures of John and Taela as inspiration for Jesus and the baby. I think it's finally time for me to unroll that and matte and frame it. My goal is to have it done and ready to hang by the 1st. That'll be a moving on step, right?

Oh, and the big news in our life is that I think we're done having babies. That's a huge thing for us. We can always change our mind when we're 40. People do it all the time these days, right? But it's just not getting any easier with the girls. We went out and about with them yesterday and the realization hit me that I physically could not leave my house with a 3rd child. Even with a stroller. Scharae demands too much physical attention when she's in the throes of her meltdowns-and then when Keira's in one too. I can't do it. So. No more. Until somthing huge changes with the two we have. And that's fine. That's just the way it is so it has to be fine, right?