Heavy Heart

I think most everyone knows already, but just in case, I'll post.

With a heavy heart that John and I said good-bye to out little girl on Tuesday. Aiyana Calendula was born at 7:58pm and lived for approximately an hour. My parents were there with us when I had her and were able to help us see her off. She was 11 inches long and weighed 15oz. So small, but not a whole lot smaller than her sister was at birth. She was my smallest baby and yet my longest labor (6 hours from the time they started pitocin) and hardest to push out. Luckily we were able to avoid a c-section. We weren't sure if we'd be able to avoid that or not until we got to Portland-there was concern about the placenta placement. In the long run my doctor decided that it would actually be healthier for me to not have a c-section. She was worried about the placenta having adhered to the scar on my uterus from Taela and causing hemorrhaging. I guess going through labor helps it detach itself slowly and more naturally than having a c-section would have.

I was fully prepared to sit and wait at least 2 weeks for this little one to arrive-either at the hospital or at home if they had me go home. But she apparently had the same plans as her sister. Around 7am I felt a sickeningly familiar sensation-her foot. Delivery needed to happen because I was already at a high risk for infection with my water broke. But with her foot and lower leg sticking out it was sort of like a possible wick for infection. Not to mention it would lose blood flow and start to pose a risk to me itself.

I was taken via ambulance to Providence St Vincent in Portland and set up in a labor and delivery room. Around 3 hours later they got me hooked up to pitocin-around 2pm. I was only 2.5-3cm dilated which was enough for her foot but not the rest of her body.

I have never had any pain medication during my previous "natural" births and I wasn't planning on it this time around. But once I hit 4 hours in and did some trial pushing-and knew that it was going to take a little longer for her to be ready to come out-I changed my mind. Epidurals sort of scare me-probably because I've never had one-and the thought of not being able to feel my lower body just didn't appeal since I didn't know what I would want to do after the birth as far as the baby went. So I had some fentanyl in my IV at around 7pm. And it was so nice to be able to relax...for about 15 minutes or so. An hour later she was born and then came the "fun" part of delivering the placenta. They gave it around 30 minutes to do it's own thing and hope that it delivered on it's own. It didn't. So another round of fentanyl and a lot of pain caused by the nurse and the doctor later and the placenta came out-intact, luckily.

I'd been bleeding for around 6 weeks pretty much every day so I was curious if it had affected the placenta. On the ultrasounds nothing was ever able to be seen. But at delivery at least 1/4-1/3 of one side of it was swollen and vascular and engorged with it's own blood-the doctor said she was nearly positive that Aiyana was not getting any nourishment from that part, nor from a slightly smaller section on the other side of it. She was plenty big for a 22 week baby-so no growth issues. But she said that the bleeding most likely caused stress for the baby as well as caused the water to break.

It's nice to have a little bit of an "answer". I asked the doctor-like I did after Taela-if there was any reason we should not have another baby. Just because I needed to hear "the right" answer at that point. After Taela she said there really was no good medical reason, but that she had no clue how she would approach my next pregnancy as far as some of the options go. This time she seemed more confident in telling us that what went on with the placenta was "most likely" a one time thing. It could happen again, but it most likely happened at implantation and didn't have to do with the c-section scar. Her suggestion was to wait a minimum of 2 years-so my body has time to "reset" and all that-but that beyond that she saw no reason for us to not have any more.

That was very comforting. Not that we're planning our next child out yet. But just knowing that someday, if we want, that option is there and is not unrealistic or unwise-from a medical stand point.


For those of you that are interested in knowing, we are having a graveside ceremony on Monday at 11am at Claggett Creek Cemetery in Keizer, OR. We chose not to have a full funeral this time for various reasons...one of which being that I really don't know that I can make it through another one...
And now I've rambled on enough. John just got home with the girls. I know I am going to have many tears shed as their questions roll in...