Tears

I have been having a little bit of a hard time with how much "more" Taela seemed to have meant in our lives and in the lives of those who know us, when compared with Aiyana. She had a funeral, John's family all came out to support us, we have much more in the way of memorabilia, scrapbook put together by my grandmother, etc. It's hard because on the surface I know it's likely because she lived longer, which automatically lends itself to people thinking more of such a situation. But from within the thick of it, for me, the mother, Aiyana was no less "a life" than Taela. I think I had more time spent with Aiyana in my arms, or the arms of others who loved her, than I did with Taela. With Taela I was holding her, waiting for her to die. With Aiyana, I got to hold her while she lived. I don't know why my perspective is different, if it's just sort of a hindsight thing or what. But I truly have felt a little (and on some days more than a little) sad about "what's left" for memories of Aiyana. We don't even have much in the way of pictures of her. The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographers that came and took lovely pictures have never got back to me about them, despite an email and a few phone calls.

Today I shed a few tears towards this subject. But they were happy tears. I was told late last week that there was something out at my parents' house for me, but Mom didn't want Dad to bring it in to work-she said it would make me cry. My oldest and one of my dearest friends Meredith had made me something for my birthday, and I was told that it commemorated my daughter.

Truth be told, I avoided going out there the rest of last week and all weekend. I don't know why-probably because I was having good days and didn't want to "ruin" them with tears. And I don't know what I thought I would find when I got there, but for some reason I was sort of...scared? Hear that Mairs? You had me scared!

Yesterday the girls and I had a grand day at the river...and today was supposed to be a grand day at the zoo, but my poor skin was not happy about the prospect of being out in the sun (darn that SPF 4!) so we had to make due with getting the car serviced, buying me some lidocaine/aloe stuff at the store, and finally I decided today was a McD's day. Silverton has a McD's with an outdoor play area which is still covered enough to not have the slides be super hot for the kids. So out to Silverton we went, stopping on the way at my parents' so I could see what was in store for me there.

I was stunned. Do you see what this wonderful friend of mine made for me? It's gorgeous. And amazing. Meredith, you're so talented, and you know me so well-the colors are just...me. I love it. And even more than knowing me about the colors...it's in memory of Aiyana. Not Aiyana and Taela, but just Aiyana. I think that's part of what I was dreading-something that was for both of them, which wouldn't be horrible by any means, but would make me that little bit sadder for Aiyana. I know, I know...the irrational ramblings of my brain. But it is what it is. This is just perfect. And just what I needed to help pull me out of my petty little funk.

So today I shed tears. Almost-happy tears. Probably about as happy as my tears can get in light of my grief.

I am so thankful for grand friends who know just what to say-and do-right when I need it the most.