The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

A friend recently reentered the blogging world. And with that reentry she decided that her blog should reflect her real life, and not just the smiles.

I agree. So here it goes.

The good: We have buses for both the girls for school now! It has been a never-ending saga. And it still hasn't ended. But Keira is finally routed. Finally. And after the nightmare of the first day (bus didn't show up at school to pick her up until it was no less than 35 minutes late and I'd already come and gotten her!) it seems to be going smoothly.

The girls are enjoying school. Keira is doing really well. She's in a class of 20ish kids. I think she's one of maybe 4 or 5 girls. She doesn't seem to have made any real connections with any of the girls-or boys, for that matter! But that doesn't seem to bother her. She's participating and not having any freak-out moments, which is what I care about. I figure going to school isn't so much about how many friends she has as about if she can sit in a classroom and learn what the teacher is teaching, right?

Scharae is doing alright. We've had a few bumps, but not too many. Mostly she just hates doing what she doesn't want to do-she needs to finish off whatever it is she has in her mind as "needing done" before she's ready to move on. They're working on that with her. A schedule has worked very well for her at school. I am so very glad I made the last minute decision to put her in a special ed classroom instead of a big one like Keira. She's in a class with I think 6 students and 3 teachers. It's perfect for the days like last week or the week before with this poor mama had to leave her at school in the midst of a meltdown. I don't think I could have left her at a class of 20 with 2 teachers...

The girls love fall. They love the leaves falling down and ask me every morning if it's still autumn time. They love the colors and the wind and are even starting to be tolerant of the rain! They loved making apple juice out at Nana and Papa's 2 or 3 times. But they keep asking if it's December yet...I think somehow they know when Christmas is!

Scharae got some new little braces for in her shoes. They're little SMOs that are very flexible-meant only to be worn with shoes. Mostly they pull her heel into alignment since liftin her arch was doing nothing. It has cut down so much on her "I can't walk very much" whining when we're out and about. She loves them. Yesterday she didn't wear them because she was hellbent on wearing her "pretty black shoes" (I need to get some black churchy shoes that they fit in!) and by the end of the day when I picked her up from daycare I was told she was just sitting on the sofa with her blankie because her feet "hurt too much". I don't think they're really hurting THAT much, but I do think she can notice a difference, which makes me feel better about the $$. And they're pink so she's happy about them. Oh and she got new pink Nikes out of the deal! AND they fit in her pink Hello-Kitty boots...by the way, Scharae loves pink...grrrr....

The Bad: Scharae does not sleep well. It's getting really old. I thought that we had solved the problem by having her sleep on the floor but now she won't sleep on there-she wants to be in her bed (which I guess is normal, right?). I'm ready to have Dad and Jack make her a cradle board for Christmas-a piece of sanded pine or something with sort of a depression in it for her head and body. She sleeps like a log when we're camping and when she'll sleep on the floor. But like last night, she was up an hour after bed. 3 hours later, at 2am, 4am, 5am, 6am, and now it's 7am and she probably won't wake up on her own until 8:30 because she didn't sleep well-which wouldn't be so bad except I some days she has school, I have to work, Keira is in there and ends up waking her up when she wakes up so then the rest of our day is filled with cranky Scharae. She takes melatonin before bed. We went from 6mg to 9mg recently. And that seemed to help. But just like when we went from 3mg to 6mg...the help is short lived. It's ok for her to take more. Quite a bit more-up to 20, but not long term. And I'd rather her just be able to shut her brain off and SLEEP! Mostly because I want to sleep. I sleep very light. And if I know she's "just going to be getting up" soon then I sleep even worse. And then I'm a grumpy mom.


Keira is an emotional basket case at home. It's not so much a joke in light of John's mom, but it sort of is...we joke that she's likely going to end up with a dx of bipolar. The kid can turn on a dime from laughing and happy to depressed and you cannot draw her out for an hour. It's ridiculous. And try to explain "rules" to her? Wow. I don't know if it's information-overload or if she's got some bizarre connotation to the word "rule" or what, but she melts into tears. She melts into tears if we tell her she needs to go do something that she purposely chose not to do (like she chose not to put her shoes away-not just forgot). Like us asserting our parental authority over her damages her little psyche or something. It's nuts. And drives us crazy and we're (ok...John...I'm a little more hardnosed about it because I deal with it day in and day out) always torn between exasperation and wanting to grab her and cuddle her and tell her it's ok and she doesn't need to cry. She'll start hyperventilating and tell you she can't take deep breaths, that she doesn't know how to breath anymore, etc...I think I need to find her a new way of calming herself other than deep breathing!


The UGLY: It's that time of year. The time of year when every day brings with it a rememberance of exactly where I was 2 years ago and what I was-or wasn't-doing. Tuesday was the day my water broke with Taela and I was admitted to the hospital in Portland. Sunday will be 2 years since her birthday. And November 10th will be 2 years since she died. And I'm sad. Really sad. I wish I could say I wasn't. I wish I could say it didn't hurt as much. But it does. (sorry this part's a downer...I DID label it ugly...) I talked to a very wonderful friend yesterday who unfortunately is able to empathize with me, having lost a child herself, albeit in totally different circumstances. She pointed out that one thing most people don't understand is that the pain probably won't ever go away. Most people say "with time it'll get less." or things like that. But it won't. At least I hope it won't. Is that strange to say? I would feel somehow...less of a mother?...if I didn't feel it. No, instead of getting less painful, the times we feel it will become fewer and farther between. But when they do come they will still hit like a ton of bricks. And for me that's almost worse because I can be going about my life happy-like playing the organ in church and doing fine. And suddenly something sweeps my feet out from under me, with no warning or explanation. Like the end of September when there was suddenly a baby being blessed. Such a normal little thing. And I was a wreck-a public wreck, no less. Whereas if I were still in my constantly-sad state I'd just expect it. All the time. And I wouldn't be knocked to by knees by things like that. Anyhow, all that aside, this time of year I'm back to my mostly-sad state. And I hate it. I'm trying to pull out. I'm trying not to bury myself in my bed. And luckily I have people around me that love me and are willing to yank me up and out of my mopey state. But for the most part. I'm sad.



Well, there you have it folks...the good, the bad, the ugly around here for right now. Real life at the Calder house!