I remember when

I remember thinking to myself that people were nuts with their kids' first birthday. Themes and venues and all the such.  The kiddo won't even remember it and in pictures, a party at the house will look all the same to them when they grow up, right?

So with Keira instead of waiting a few weeks (because she's one, and will never know the timeline) after Scharae was born to have a big fun party I was nuts and had one the day after I came home from the hospital with Scharae. Nuts. It sucked. I'm sure I'm the only one it was awful for, and she had a blast and everyone was great. But I was miserable and wishing it wasn't happening and that I could just curl up in my bedroom alone and cry.  I should have cared more about that party. I should have waited and done it when I had more of my all to give to it.

And a year later, almost to the day, it came time for the next first birthday.  We had just moved down here and had some awesome friends that came all the way down from Washington, and some others that happened to live near Salem, plus my parents and grandparents. And again, I should have cared more. I should have made it a bigger deal. Cute invitations, some sort of theme, that sort of thing.

But in my mind that still seemed ridiculous. I still rolled my eyes at those that did so (yes, Crystal, I mean you ;)

And then yesterday I got the most cheerful and cutsie invitation for a sweet little girl's first birthday party. And it hit me how much I should have cared. Back then I assumed that there would be any number of 1st birthdays of my children to follow.  I never dreamed that 3 more babies would come and then leave before I could care about that birthday party. I never dreamed that I would have no more chances to care about a first birthday. I never dreamed that I would wish I had cared more.

I remember what it was like to not know how much the seemingly little things really might mean. While I'm glad that I am taking more time to remember the small things, I miss that naive point of view in such a big way. Not because I would love to still think others are nuts about 1st birthdays, but because it would likely mean I would not have had the pain I have gone through-and am still going through-to come out on the other side with a new perspective.