I tried

I tried to get a decent picture of my "putting on a brave face" smile just now. But somehow it didn't seem to be happening.

Oh yeah. It's because I don't have a brave face right now. And basically all the pictures I took with my phone are horrible looking. You know, puffy red eyes, uncombed hair, no makeup, let alone moisturizer because I literally got out of the shower, my water broke and I threw on clothes and left for the hospital.

I think most people who read my blog know by now, but just in case you don't, and you aren't on my facebook, or other social networking avenues (because I am oh-so-very social...) yes, my water has broke. Early. Really early.

I don't know what happened. I had a pretty big bleed on Tuesday but by the time I made it up to Portland for my appointment it had tapered off...but you can read all about that in an earlier post if you want.  Things looked as good as they could look according to my doctor.  I made a point of asking her if I had more bleeds-not hemorrhaging, just bleeding-or if my water broke could I skip the Salem hospital and just come straight up here to the one she works out of. She basically said unless I was bleeding to death or in an obvious labor pattern she was more than fine with me coming up here if I felt like I could tolerate the drive.

So I showered this morning. Thought about shaving my legs but then decided I could do it tomorrow. I have a cold and was just feeling like crap and wanted to crawl back into bed. I should have shaved those legs. They need it.

When I was getting dressed I bent over to pick up my clothes off the floor and felt like I'd pee'd myself. Grabbed a towel to clean up and out came more. And more.  So I finished dressing and called the doctor to let them know I was heading up to the hospital. No contractions. No cramping-not even what has become my normal/baseline. I do feel like I've been doing a ton of sit ups but I figured that was just my muscles. My doctor things it's my uterus being sore, but doesn't really know what it means.

6 hours after getting up here I finally got moved from triage to my room. I'm on Zithromycin in the IV once a day for 2 days and Ampicilin every 6 hours in the IV for 2 days. And then...I guess I go home?  Yikes.  My labs looked alright. My white count is slightly elevated, but not out of control. It could just be because of pregnancy, or because of my cold, but it doesn't indicate an infection that we need to worry about. The antibiotics are basically "just in case".  They call them "latent antibiotics", whatever that actually means.

I'm really worried about going home. I hate the idea of going home to wait 3 weeks just to be readmitted. If I last that long. I did tell my doctor that if she sends me home she can expect to hear from me. A lot. Because suddenly every little twinge, and almost-tightening becomes worrisome.  They did decide to leave the cerclage in right now, until (if) it becomes a problem, then it would have to be removed. Right now I'm depending on the cerclage to keep He-Man's little feet up inside me where they belong. I just can't help feeling like IF things go south and I have to deliver, I HAVE GOT to be able to look back and feel like EVERYTHING was done. The last two times I look back and have too many "what-if's" which translate to guilt for me. What if I'd had progesterone injections with Taela? Or a cerclage? What if I'd had a cerclage with Aiyana? Or not been sent home from the hospital while bleeding, only to have my water break the next day? What if I'd pushed harder to have these things NOT happen?  I need to be able to look back and see that everything was done that could be done. And to me, that means staying in the hospital even if all the hospital can do is take my temp and keep me hydrated. Sure, I can do that at home, but...it's not the hospital (sorry Mom!)

So...there's my day. I really did try to get a picture of my game face. My brave face. And if I don't answer a phone call from any of you it's because the little bit of a brave face I have has crumbled at the mere thought of having to try and talk about everything. Isn't the internet a wonderful thing? I can give all my updates and cry all the way through them and no one has to be the wiser!