And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what a brick wall feels like.

You know how sometimes you might think you're "over" or "beyond" some certain hurdle or issue or whatever? And then suddenly it springs up in front of you and you run full bore right into it? That's how I'm feeling today

Most of you know that both girls were put on the spectrum with PDD-NOS (what was at that point called a "precursor" to an aspergers dx since they were so young) when they were very young. I think Keira was 3.5 and Scharae was 2.5 or so. Since then we've had a wild ride but really no big issues or really any dwelling on it in the last 2 years. Since Scharae started kindergarten. Keira, I'm pretty sure, actually has a highly anxious personality coupled with gluten intolerance that was causing a lot of issues we've since resolved.

Scharae started kindergarten and did amazing. Her IEP was, in fact, dropped at the end of the school year. This had me nervous and I questioned it but was basically told that she was a 504 plan candidate but not an IEP candidate. Her academics were wonderful and she wasn't having any behavior issues. The considerations in place were ones that they couldn't really see her "goaling out of" and an IEP has to have goals. So. We warily went with it.

This year has been good. I was nervous going from 4 hours to almost 7 hours of school with all the transition times that come with adding lunch and more subjects, etc. But she's been awesome. Struggled socially, absolutely. But excelling in academics and in all areas of her progress report except knowing when she isn't to be talking and gross motor skills.

So today. Today I took her to the pedi for an exam and he decided since she didn't need any immunizations he could roll her 7 year well child into (my baby is 7!?) since her birthday is next week. He told me he had some developmental concerns but we would talk about them after I had filled out like 3 packets of questions. That's not typical for his office-usually I fill out a front and back page and that's it for a well child exam. I noticed one of the packets was for 24-60 months. As in age 5.

On that one she scored super low on gross motor, communication, social emotional and speech. For a 5 year old. And she's 7. So we go back to genetics. And PT and OT and the developmental assessment clinic and the developmental psychologist. and...who knows who else.

He has concerns about some other alphabet soup disorders being in play on top of her PDD-NOS which wouldn't be uncommon at all. She's young enough still that he can pull insurance coverage on certain things and call it EI. She is covered in bruises-she likes to crash into things but beyond that she really is falling all the time and bruises easy much like me-and so he really thinks PT should help us know if it's a sensory thing (craving the proprioceptive feedback) or a neurological thing or all related to her low muscle tone. He really thinks she needs speech even if the school doesn't agree because while things might not be impacting her education NOW, if some of her communication issues aren't solved by 3rd or 4th grade they WILL impact it in the form of her peers not being able to work with her in groups, etc. He is 100% sure that the only reason she doesn't qualify for an IEP is because of her environment. Super small school (K-8 with under 140 kids), very limited rotation of staff to be exposed to, very rigid schedule because the grounds are pretty small so everyone has to stick to their schedule so everyone can be where they should be, etc. And that if we were to move or become illegible for the charter school (unlikely but possible since we attend as "out of district") and she were to be put into a mainstream school...disaster would strike. He went so far as to say that it is his opinion that if we had her in the school that is 2 blocks from us (I drive them 12 miles to the charter each way) the district would have moved her to the school that has ASD classrooms.

None of this should be surprising. And really I'm just venting. It hit me like a ton of bricks today. It just really has hit me hard. No new dx, no new information. But because I have such control over our lives and John and I live a comfortable enough lifestyle to allow us to pick where we take them to school and have me home as much (or as little) as I want to be with them...she's doing fine. And that's been so nice. We used to build our days around Scharae and what she could or couldn't handle. And I thought we were past that. But I'm realizing today that we're not. Keira would love to play soccer or run track or be in dance. But Scharae just needs to be home after school so she can fall apart in a safe environment. She doesn't want to do anything like that and would struggle. So Keira doesn't do anything except come home with her mom and sister. And really, it would be good for Scharae to be pushed out of her comfort zone. But it would hurt my heart to see her struggle and be confused why people act how they do because she is so used to EVERYONE around her understanding and "getting" her.

Sorry so long. I just needed an outlet for something I thought I'd run the gamut of dealing with over the past 6 years already.