What a day.

By 9am I was locked in my bathroom and in tears over my super long day-and the girls had just gotten up some time after 8.

I know that it was nothing new, nothing I haven't handled before. Basically this morning was how every day used to be for me from the time Scharae was around 18 months until she was 4...or 5. But after having so many improvements and life settling down it is amazing how quickly you forget. I forgot how intense she was/can be. How unhappy. How contrary (yes, even though she is contrary most days...this was just...more). How dominating. How sad. But underneath it all-how much she just wants to be HER and to be the happy little girl she knows she can be.

Lucky for me mom and I had just had a conversation about this yesterday. We had talked about how important it is to take the emotion out of things with her. And this was with regards to what is now her normal every day "stuff". The distractedness, scatterbrained, unfocussed, forgetful, ALWAYS RIGHT, unable to look and actually SEE things...if you don't take your emotions out of your instructions and reactions to her then it all spirals out of control and becomes about emotions-yours, how they make her feel, etc.  That conversation was about "normal" Scharae. But you know how sometimes with kids you need to dialogue things and talk them thru situations in a non-threatening/benign situation? Like when the event isn't actually happening and they don't actually have to deal with whatever it is you're talking them through.  I think as an adult I need that sometimes, too.  I think our conversation yesterday was what I needed to make it through today. To remember in the moment to take my emotions out of it.

I think I did a pretty good job. I know I escalated my voice level a few times but nowhere near as many as I wanted to. I know I wasn't the perfect mom-she sure let me know about that-but I also know I really truly did my best. I also know I am thankful every day for the leaps and bounds of changes I have seen in Scharae in the last 2 years. Well, I am re-thankful. I will be thankful from here on out because I think I had sort of forgotten.

Scharae is on 3 different steroids right now to handle an asthma flare. She's miserable and the steroids make her unbearable-and I know she knows sometimes that she's being ridiculous because she'll dissolve in tears saying she just wants to be happy/handle the lights/be able to be in the same room as other people talking/etc. So sad. These meds all make her regress 100% to the "old" Scharae. I am thankful for modern medicine that helps her to be able to breathe more easy. And that their side effects should (will!?) wear off soon. She cannot go to school when she's like this so I guess she gets 2 weeks of spring break!

Monday is 2 years since I had Malcolm. 2 very long and very short years. So much has changed in my life since then. And so much is the same. But one big thing I'm learning is to be able to be ok with those changes. For instance, I am working on my guilt every time I say in my mind and/or out loud to John "I am so glad we've only got two kids". I am not bowled over by the guilt every time. Just some of the time. I'm realizing that it's ok to be ok. I have tried so hard NOT to be ok because it was a way to hang on to my feelings. To keep them in the forefront. I'm changing. I'm learning to be ok with being ok. I'm learning to be ok with what life has dealt. To be ok with only having 2 kids because, well...that's all we've got so I might as well be ok with it, right? To be ok with not needing a minivan or big SUV. To be ok with not having given John a son to raise. To be ok with having more kids in the cemetery than in my home. To be ok with the girls talking about their brother or sisters. To be ok with feeling thankful (!?) for these circumstances on mornings like today, knowing that if things had been different I would literally not been able to give Scharae the attention she needed. To be ok.

So big changes. But some things never change. One of which is that I'm not always ok. Probably never will be. But...that's ok.