Then and Now

One year ago, this is where I was. Did you read that? I read through it again just now. That was a dark sad place. And you know what? I didn't even realize that's where I was. I mean really realize. Obviously I wrote that so I knew what I was feeling. But I think when you're in a dark place and have been for awhile, it becomes your new normal. It recolours every part of your life to where you (or at least I) don't realize exactly how dark life is. I mean, everyone says "it could be worse" no matter what you're going through. And that's true, sure. But just because it could be worse doesn't mean it isn't bad or dark already.

So where am I now?  Not there. Not even by a long shot. Let me tell you a little story.

John and I met, got engaged and got married in a very short time frame. That was hard. Not the meeting, getting engaged or getting married part. But what came afterward. Building a life with someone you barely know. I knew I loved him. I knew he loved me. And I knew that for some reason at some point I knew marrying him was right. But there were times in the those first few months that I wondered what on earth I had done (don't worry, he knows all these thoughts/feelings!) and I wondered if I hadn't run into the arms of the first man who was different than my status quo. We were (are) very different people with very different strengths, weaknesses, and interests. They aren't always compatible. And so things were hard. But I wouldn't change the choices we made then.

Looking back a year later I thought "that was hard. I made it through. I've made it through my hardest thing."

Then I had Keira and I knew that being a mom was easy. It wasn't a big deal. Kids were easy to figure out, slept well, were portable...obviously it was all the other moms out there who had control issues and caused their kids to "not sleep well" or "always be eating" or "I can't go anywhere now that I have the baby".  I will admit to seriously seeing life that way after Keira.

And then less than 1 year later I had Scharae. And I realized how wrong I was. Marrying John hadn't been my hard thing. Having two kids less than a year apart-that was my hard thing. But I did it, and I muddled through. And it was hard but I made it. So there, that was my hard thing.

When Keira and Scharae were just 25 and 13 months old I found out I was again expecting. And telling John was hard. But he took it happily so there, a new hard thing was averted. I thought.

Less than 5 months later I knew my hard thing. Taela was born and then died. That was my hard thing. I KNEW that I was living the trial that was mine. I knew that life after that, once I made it through, if I made it through, could only be smooth sailing. I knew that "it couldn't get any worse".  And I made it through. And I knew I had lived my hard thing.

And then 2.5 years later I found out I was wrong. My hard thing was still happening. Aiyana was born and didn't live long. It was happening all over again. And instead of BTDT, no big deal-it was worse than before. All the emotions and resentments, all the sadness, all the anger and confusion-those were multiplied. Because I still wasn't over "my hard thing" from Taela. But I made it through. And I knew I had done it. I had lived my hard thing.

You get where this is going, right? Oh yes. I was blindsided, again. How could that happen? How did I not see it coming? But I didn't. When I got pregnant with Malcolm I truly thought "this is it. Surely it won't happen again. I know it won't happen again."  And then it did. And my world was rocked. I was knocked off my feet, the carpet ripped out from under me. My tender heart was put in a blender and I was wrecked. And that's where I still was a year ago, despite it having been 18 months.

I think I finally have learned a lesson here. Maybe this was not the main lesson to be learned, but I have learned it. Every time I say "I've lived my hard thing. Life can't get harder." I'd better be prepared to have that proven wrong. I'm done saying it. I'm done being ready to be done. I'm done waiting for the bad to stop and the good to start. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and I'm done tiptoeing around myself-let alone having others tiptoe around me.

So where am I now? Maybe not where the brother who gave that talk last year is. But I'm happy. I'm joyful. I'm hopeful. I'm not angry anymore. Confused? Yes, especially when I look at the world around me and see some of the tragic situations that children are born into, unwanted. That's confusing. But it doesn't anger me anymore. I feel whole, healed.

How did I get here? Lots of hard work. I know many disagree with this approach, but I got here by beating my body down into submission and taking back some control over it, thereby finding the control I needed to have over other parts of my life. This has worked for me. It hasn't been without hiccoughs or injuries, but I've learned from them. One of the biggest things I've learned is that God wants me to be in charge of my body, not my body in charge of me. And when I'm exercising that control I find it much easier to be in charge of my emotions, my mental health, my spirit. Mind, body, spirit-they're all so connected and all so important. A three-legged stool of health. And right now, I feel like I'm sitting on the most sturdy stool I've ever in my adult life had.

I've had a lot of help along the way. People in the gym, people in the running community, people at church not willing to let me keep spiraling, and most of all my very close family and friends. And my scriptures and my journal and my prayers.

  So, here I am. In a much happier and healthier place than I have ever been. And I've gone through hard things. But I'm done assuming they're the end of my hard. Maybe they're just the beginning. I'm looking forward with a happy heart to the life to come. I'm looking for the learning moments. And I'm happy.