While the Cat's Away...

John's away in Portland for some "guy time" with some close friends from up in Washington. Jason and Jonathan were coming down so John went up to spend the weekend with them. I'm happy that he's getting the chance to do that. He works so very hard and spends so much time studying when he's not working, he hasn't had a whole lot of time to make any real good social connections down here-even though we've been here for 5.5 years now. Usually he's not really too worried about that, but every now and then it really hits him how alone he can feel. I'm thankful he's been able to keep in touch with these guys. Scotty and Liz are going to be in town this weekend also so we'll get a chance to see them, too!

I had big plans for me and the girls for this afternoon/evening...and they didn't happen. I didn't make it to the KROC center to take the girls swimming. Nor did we go out to eat or even have breakfast for dinner-they wanted to stay home and play on the computer and have apples and cheese with pumpkin smoothies for dinner.  So we did. And they wanted to go to bed at 7 so they could read in bed until 7:30. So they did. Tomorrow we'll go to the library and then go pick up our Bountiful Basket order, and hopefully after that we'll make it to the pool for swimming. They have been wanting to go to the library and to swim for a month now so I'll do my best to make it happen!

Yesterday John and I were able to spend Taela's 5th birthday together. He took the day off work and the girls stayed at Mom and Dad's overnight. It was so sweet to be able to spend unhurried, undivided time with him.

I was reading a book recently and came across this quote:

Whatever hurts us the most-that's our strength. That's what gets us through.

 What truth. This book was definitely NOT the place I would have expected to find such a little nugget. Something I could lay hold of and really FEEL.

Whatever hurts us the most-for me what hurts me the most, what has the potential to hurt me the most, is being a mom. The worst hurt I've had, the biggest heartbreaks, the things that have been the very hardest to come back from-a child has been the root of every one of them.  If I had not already had Keira and Scharae, I can almost guarantee that I would have thrown in the towel after burying my third baby. So much heartache. Too much heartache. But to turn that around, in my day to day life-especially in the immediate aftermath of each loss-the biggest strength to me, the thing that helped pull me back from the brink, was a child. So here I was, in such a quandry. Hurting so badly, because of a child. And yet because of a child, finding a way to carry on. Some days it was only just barely. Some days I really have not felt like I've carried on but looking back I know I had to have. I'm still here, I'm still loving on my husband and my girls. I'm still finding reasons to smile (and finally not feeling GUILTY every time I realize I'm happy or having a good time). My greatest weakness, the source of my biggest hurts-they've become my biggest strength and I am so very thankful of that.

I'm so thankful for the loving husband I have. He's been my rock. He holds it all together for me when I need him to, but is able to let it all crumble when HE needs to feel some relief, and then pull it back together. He has strived to be the man I need, the man his children need, the man he knows he was made to be. And in my humble opinion, he has succeeded. He is just amazing. I am so blessed to get to spend every day with him, planning our future, exploring our today and remember with tears our yesterdays.