Tif's Wandering Mind

Fail #1

2012-01-22T22:03:00.000-08:00

Well I'm sure it's not my first fail. Positive of that, actually. But as far as Gluten Free German Pancake Cups go, this was fail #1:

These are not puffy. They do not look even a tiny bit like this:

They simply look like corn bread muffins. Which is not at all what they are.

I'm not sure what happened. I followed a GF recipe and everything. They just didn't puff. Maybe more eggs? More xanthan gum in the GF flour I use? I'll have to experiment with this because they sure taste yummy with a little powdered sugar. The girls will enjoy these for breakfast before school, for sure!

A Girl and her Laminator

2012-01-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

This little machine:

Mine looks similar, but isn't this exact one.

Helped me quickly go from this:

Can be found HERE

To this:

Probably can't tell, but these are laminated and uber-durable

The printable is from The Redheaded Hostess which is a website I recently was introduced to and am having some fun and inspiring times with. One of my goals for this year is to help me remember the joy I have found in the knowledge of the Gospel in the past. I feel like life has really gotten in the way the last four years and I need to quit letting it get in the way. So onward and upward!

Thank you little miss Laminator for helping me very quickly get a new quiet-toy ready for the girls for Sunday. They each have a set of these Plan of Salvation pictures with numbers on the back to help them learn the Plan and visualize the order. And I have a set to paste into my journal.

What am I doing today?

2012-01-03T10:28:00.001-08:00

I am canning beans. So cheap and easy and quite the time saver! Today is mostly black with a few jars of white thrown in. We go through beans pretty fast around here. Black ones get used for salads and burritos, tacos, that sort of thing. White are a go-to for chicken chili and soups. So much faster to have them pre-canned than to soak. Although I did just get a pressure cooker which can pick up my failure-to-plan slack in the soaking department, should I be out of canned beans.

I think the hardest part of the process is getting this beast of lid to be seated right on the canner! And the fact that I have to do it at my mom's house. No one told me you couldn't pressure can on a glass top range until after I already had one! But since I'm out here all day most days for the girls' school day, I might as well be useful and industrious, right?

Finished, take 2

2011-12-24T13:53:00.001-08:00

I did it! I had just enough elastic left to make new covers that actually fit these doll sets!

Mom-with my Silhouette I can print on the computer and then run it through the machine to cut.

Maybe eventually I'll appliqué an initial on each cover. But for now Sharpie will have to do!

Finished!

2011-12-23T10:19:00.001-08:00

I cut the fabric for my covers too small so we'll see if I get around to finishing that part or not. But the dollies themselves are finished!

My little Storyboarding fiend!

2011-12-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

If you're on facebook you've probably already seen these pictures. But just in case, I thought I'd post them here, too.

Scharae is really into post-it notes. In a super cool way.

Yes, this is outside Target. I had to let her listen to about 5 more holiday songs so she could finish her Christmas song "movie". And then we had to go buy bigger post-it notes because she realized she was using just about the smallest ones out there and felt rather offended.

A little closer picture. After this "chapter movie" she started numbering her pages. Because her inept mom apparently couldn't tell the difference between a page for her Wolf Movie and a page for her Christmas Song movie. Silly me!

Please ignore the massive amounts of piano books on here. I'm working on figuring out which of 3 different methods I want to use and am finding I'm using all 3 of them. Plus the Childrens' Songbook, plus the Disney Classics (which is about 25 years out of date!). But the point of this picture is how large her movies are. This particular one has 53 pages (this is round two after the first half was gathered up off the piano and put in order) and was a little bit of a collaborative effort with her sister. Mostly Keira just told her when she wrote her 2s backwards.

Oh, and in that picture on the top left of the piano you can see their Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar. Really it's John's calendar, he just has them tricked into thinking it's theirs. They've had lots of fun with it!

Success!!!

2011-12-18T21:29:00.000-08:00

This is the chapter book I finally seemed to get through to Keira with. She has had no problem with me reading chapter books to her or even with her (like switching off pages/chapters) but I was really feeling like she was ready to be picking chapter books to read for her nightly reading time, and even at school for her daily reading at school.

She picked this one and once I put post-it notes at the start of each of the 5 chapters (92 pages!) she was ready to go. She has just about finished it off and now claims to LOVE chapter books because the stories are better because the book is long enough to make more parts to the story. Smart Kid!

I went to the library yesterday and picked out a few more books from there for her to read during the next 2 weeks off from school. Methinks that it's time to transition from "mom needs a break from you kids, turn on the TV" to "mom needs a break from you guys, sit and read silently". Scharae isn't quite there, but she can story board instead (post coming up with those details).

Mercy Watson-has anyone heard of these books? cute little pig in them. They're chapter books but they're fully illustrated and are probably able to be read in one good length sitting. Keira told me she'll give it a try but it might be "too short of a story now that I like chapter book stories" so just in case I got a few from some fairy series. Lucy the Diamond Fairy, or something like that.

So Excited to make this!

2011-12-18T21:22:00.000-08:00

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I got a new toy in November. I've really only used it once, and just tonight got the chance to sit down and play around with the software to figure out how it sort of works.

I'm getting ready to make magnet dolls for the girls for Christmas! I'm sort of following the tutorial on Make It and Love It. I'm mostly following the idea of using a cookie sheet and making the cover to go over it for storage. Instead of buying paper dolls and sticking them to the magnet paper I bought printable magnet paper and am using my Silhouette (link to their idea blog!). I'll print out the dolls on the magnet paper and then run it through the Silhouette machine and it will cut them all out and everything for me! At least...that's the way it is supposed to work. We'll see how it actually ends up.

Here are a few pictures of what I've got worked up. I'm trying to make them up for both the girls, but will likely put them all together in one cookie sheet since they'll mostly play with them together anyhow.

I just need to get more color ink for my printer tomorrow and I should be able to get it done. The best part? The girls sort of watched me playing with all this tonight and think that I'm making myself dolls to dress up!

Am I right or is my 6yo right???

2011-12-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

Keira and I have been having a disagreement of late re:chapter books.

I'm positive that from a comprehension standpoint she's ready for them. By the 3rd week of school when they did the reading assessments she had already surpassed the point they want first graders to be at when they finish in June and she has only gotten more skilled at context clues and faster at her reading.

She's positive that 1st graders are not supposed to do chapter books Like so positive that she has done the hands on her hips and stomped her little foot and scolded me for thinking "such a crazy thought"

Who's right??? I know part of her problem is she wants to finish whatever she starts. She doesn't always handle it well if she has to stop in the middle of a task-puzzles, coloring a picture, 2-day art projects at school, etc. So the idea of reading a chapter or even two but not finishing is a bit hard for her, I'm sure. I've gotten her Amelia Bedelia books from the library and she breezes through them, but they're not actual chapter books. They still have more pictures than words, and end at 35-50 pages.

Her book fair was last week and we really got into it when I refused to buy her yet another picture book (we have SO many at home already) that she could have read in less than 2 minutes. To be fair to me, I also wouldn't buy those for Scharae and she was happy to pick out a few of those I can Read books that are a bit harder than she's ready for, but not too much harder.

Keira's class is big on "Good, Fit Books". Every morning the kids take their book totes and pick out 5 books from the class library to put into it. I go in once a week and read with kids to make sure they're choosing good fit books that aren't too easy or too hard, ones that stretch them just a little. But I've been disgusted with Keira and the other 1st grader that is on her level. They've got things like Go Dog Go and the Foot Book, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, etc. These kids were reading those at this time last year. It's not that there aren't any harder books-it's a 1/2 split class so I have seen the books the 2nd graders have-but it just seems like because she's in 1st grade her teacher hasn't pushed her to REALLY be finding books that I would consider "good fit books" for her reading level.

Wow. Sorry. A novel.

So I guess I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much out of her? I just feel like she should be reading the The Magic Treehouse books-they have some pictures but more words than pictures-and others on that level. But she's acting like chapter books are NOT expected of 1st graders. Is it an attention issue more than a comprehension issue???

This?

Or that?

Parents' Night Out!

2011-12-10T23:40:00.001-08:00

Tonight we dropped the girls at the school for some fun while we got to have a date night. The wife of one of the teachers is a gymnastics coach and they had all her equipment set up for an obstacle course and did some tumbling and played with the parachute and the scooters. They had pizza (which Scharae claims she will never eat again because the tomato sauce gives her an ouchy rash on her lips) and apples and juice and did some crafts and watched Toy Story 3. Lots of fun to be had with their favorite teachers! I love that the 3/4 and 5/6 teachers already know my girls by name and have a personal relationship with them. Yet another reason we love Bethany!

John and I went and played pool at a scuzzy tavern in Silverton (thank heavens for the Clean Air Act. Smoky bar scenes are so 10 years ago for this mama!) and ate some cheap bar food and pretended we belonged there with our "Jack 'n' Coke" minus the Jack and Virgin Bloody Mary. I had no clue he was a Bloody Mary kind of guy! This was the first time he and I had played pool together. And actually the first time I've played sober in about 10 years. I think I played a better game back in the day...but John says that was probably my "beer goggles" on. Ha!

Afterward we walked up the block to the Palace Theatre where Stu, the town Mayor who enjoys cross dressing, greeted us before our viewing of Jack and Jill. VERY funny movie. We don't typically go see comedies at the theatre but some friends who had also left their kids at the school invited us to meet up there so we went ahead.

It was a great evening. The girls were up three hours after their bedtime after a week of not feeling well and were very ready for bed.

Style

2011-12-10T13:25:00.001-08:00

Skinny jeans, slouch boots, school sweatshirts, puffy coats...

Award!

2011-12-09T15:47:00.001-08:00

Scharae won an award at school on Tuesday. At Bethany they have PRIDE awards which I think are a lot like the citizenship awards we got back at Custer. They stand for Practice Kindness, Respect, Inspiration, Determination, and Excellence. She won the Kindergarten award for Inspiration because of how inspiring her enthusiasm in the classroom is. Here she is receiving her award.

FYI

2011-12-03T07:11:00.001-08:00

I got a new phone for an early Christmas present! The new iPhone, to be precise. So now I have my camera everywhere with me. And I can blog directly from my phone so maybe there'll be more of that going on around here!

Today we are off to the Great Wolf Lodge! The girls are awake in their room planning their long-awaited reunion with Jax and Boomer and wondering of they've been missing them. Time to get the car packed up!

Baker girls

2011-12-03T07:05:00.001-08:00

I should be a better mom. I should bake with my girls. They love it. I hate it. I inherited that from my mom, I think. She had Grandma Alcorn next door to bake with us kids. I have Papa up the road to bake with mine! I think he inherited his baking-patience from his mom!

Scharae has a new pet

2011-12-03T07:00:00.001-08:00

I think the girls are ready for Mazy to come home. Scharae has adopted a Pointsettia and named it Percy. She wanted to sleep with it but John and I unanimously shot her request down.

Remembering

2011-11-10T21:29:00.001-08:00

RePost: Taela Sage Calder

2011-11-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

This was my first real post on this blog and I feel like reposting it today. It's something I wrote up when everything was fresh in my mind. 4 years ago today our sweet Taela Sage was born. And 9 days later she passed away. This year it is hitting me extra hard. I am sure it's mostly because in the past 18 months the same feeling of loss and confusion have re-happened twice. Or maybe it's because after Aiyana and Malcolm I'm realizing I got to see Taela LIVE instead of only seeing her die. Or maybe because Keira and Scharae are getting so grown up and aren't able to even pretend to take the place of a baby in my arms anymore. Or maybe every year has been like this I just haven't remembered?  Whatever the case may be, I'm having some rough days. John is having some rough days. And we know they'll be over and life will keep moving on. And we'll be-we ARE-ok. But for now, the waters are white with rapids that feel like they're going to capsize the little boat I'm in.

I wrote this in the wee early hours of the morning following Taela's passing. I decided that if I didn't get it all written out then, I never would. And I'm glad I did it...because I'm pretty sure I'd still not have found the strength to do it (mostly I was just numb when I wrote it).

Taela Sage Calder

11/1/2007-11/10/2007

October 27, 2007-At 3am my water broke. I called Nana Heidi and Papa Roy and sat on the floor, just waiting for that first post-water-breaking contraction to come. I wasn’t aware of any change like that with Keira, but when I had Scharae there was an amazingly intense difference in contractions within 30 seconds of my water breaking. The whole time waiting for Nana and Papa I just sat and waited, very tense. It never did. Nana and Papa got to our house and Daddy and Papa gave me a Priesthood blessing. In it Daddy said absolutely nothing to reassure me that you would be ok, just that my body would be ok. This worried me very much, but wasn’t something to dwell on at the moment.

Daddy got us to the hospital as fast as he could. When we got there we had 2 very very excellent nurses-Chris and Jen. I don’t remember most of my nurses names, but for some reason I do remember them. Jen was very kind and eased much of my worries, for that moment. They had an ultrasound done to check my fluid levels. The u/s was “negative for fluid” which basically meant all the amniotic fluid around you had leaked out…leaving no question on if my water had indeed broken. They did explain that you were constantly producing more fluid from the nourishment you got from me. And that occasionally fluid could build back up, but not usually when all the fluid had leaked out already.

The health insurance we have is one that has a lot of rules regarding where you can go for having your baby. I was under the impression that it was due to our insurance that I was going to have to be transferred up to a hospital in Portland. Jen made the comment to me that I was going to the best place for my situation. We talked about it briefly and I was finally able to let go of that frustration with my insurance-no matter what we would be going to Portland because the hospitals up there have larger and “better” NICU’s. Basically they’re better equipped-both doctors and equipment-than most others probably in the entire state.

The doctor that we saw here in Salem was a very kind man. I had met him once before when I was in the hospital earlier (maybe I’ll have to write the previous journey before your birth later and include those experiences). His name is Jonathan Pugmire and he is also a member of the LDS church-although I don’t think he knows that we are. He is a very very kind and gentle, empathetic man. He came in to give a bit of a reality check type of speech to us. You see, when my water broke you were only 23 weeks 4 days. That’s very much too young to have even a slim fighting chance to live outside of your mama’s body. I had been able to keep my emotions together until he came in to talk to us. I think because he was so calm, but also caring and really didn’t want to be the one giving us that news. I could just see it in his eyes.

An ambulance was called and I was loaded up on the stretcher, strapped down, hooked to IV antibiotics to keep infection from setting in, and got nice warm socks on my feet from Jen because it was so darned cold outside!

The ambulance ride was almost relaxing. Minus the part where the blood pressure cuff went up and up and up to a pressure of 250+ because the ambulance kept jostling me. That was kind of nerve wracking. But the EMT that rode back there with me was excellent. He let me be when I dozed, and talked/joked with me when I was awake. Daddy drove up in the car, so that he could have that up there with us. He also stopped to get something to eat.

We got to Providence St Vincent Medical Center in Portland (really it’s Beaverton, but I guess still considered a Portland hospital). They got me all checked in and let me get up to go to the bathroom when it came time to transfer me to the hospital bed. I wasn’t leaking anymore fluid…because there really wasn’t anymore to leak!

Dr Lubarsky was the perinatologist on-call for my perinatology (high-risk pregnancy) clinic. She came right in and brought a small portable ultrasound machine, just to “make sure” it was my water that really had broken. It is really funny how so many doctors want to see results for themselves-first hand. When she did her u/s she did find your bladder to be empty (amniotic fluid is secreted from you as urine) and 2 small pockets of amniotic fluid near you-one was 2cm long and the other was almost 4cm long). And about an hour later I had two small gushes, which is to be assumed was those two pockets of fluid making their way out. But the good news from that u/s was that it confirmed you were very much head down. This was a positive thing because it meant A)your head was sort of acting as a cork in mommy’s cervix to help keep infection from coming up and in. and B)if I went into spontaneous labor we were prepared for a normal delivery and no immediate need for a c-section. This was very good news. And the doctor mentioned how you weren’t very likely to do any flipping around since there was no fluid to help you float.

At this point it basically came down to me being on bedrest-able to use the bathroom and shower once a day-until my body either got an infection, you showed signs of fetal distress (heart rate not sounding/looking too good) or I went into spontaneous labor. In that case they would try to stop labor, a little, but after the water has broken it’s not an easy thing to do. The other two scenarios would involve them inducing labor because it would be a more positive thing for you to be out than in.

Once Daddy got to the hospital Dr Rabin, a neonatologist in the NICU, came to talk to us. We had to make a very hard decision after talking to him. We had to tell them what we wanted done if I went into labor, or you had to come. At what point would we want them to do everything in their medical power to save you and help you fight as long as you were able. This was a very hard decision we had to make-what I thought would be the hardest one of our life. We chose the mystically magic number of 24 weeks. That would be on Tuesday, so just 3 days away. And the statistics regarding your survival, at this hospital, jumped from 11% in the 23 week range to a nice big number of 74% in the 24 week range. We didn’t even really care what the numbers were regarding neurological impacts-at that point we were more concerned with your life, in the most general sense. That was a very hard decision to voice. But we made our choice and let the doctor know.

October 28 & 29, 2007:Basically that decision meant that Saturday, Sunday and Monday were all pretty uneventful days. Every 4-8 hours a nurse would come in to take a listen to your heart rate and it was always so great and strong. They’d also take my temperature to keep an eye out for infection. And also my blood pressure. Nothing changed. I had a few random mild contractions, but nothing too drastic at all. Daddy slept at the hospital to be near us. It was also a shorter commute for him to get to work, which was a very reassuring thing for us because we knew that he may need to be back to the hospital with very little notice. His work was wonderfully supportive of us at this time.

Your sisters were being so well taken care of by Nana and Yaya. They made sure that I didn’t have to worry about a thing (although I of course still worried because I am a Mama). They worked things out with our Relief Society president and just had everything covered. Daddy did go home on Sunday night to be with your sisters (and enjoy Nana’s Sunday Dinner). They were very happy to see their Daddy. They didn’t really understand why I wasn’t around, but they seemed to adjust well.

October 30, 2007:Tuesday came an went without ado. It was finally our “safe zone” for you. They did more monitoring-an hour at a time every 3 or 4 hours. Your heart rate was pretty good on Tuesday. Looked much like a 24 week baby’s should look. And I wasn’t having any contractions show up on the monitor. All day, though, I did notice that when they would put the heart monitor on me to find where you were at that there was a big ball of you on my left side that just was sort of annoying/painful. I just figured you were stretching.

October 31, 2007:On Wednesday I noticed that I hadn’t felt any movement from you since the day before. And also when I would have fluid gushes they had green in them. This indicated one or two things. Maybe you were having a bowel movement inside-which is a sign of stress/distress for you. Or maybe I was getting an infection. They were planning on doing an ultrasound in the afternoon anyhow. Mom and Yaya showed up to bring your sisters in to visit me. They were beautiful, just as I had left them. About ½ hour after they got here I was told that they were going to take me to my doctor’s office (in the hospital) to do an ultrasound. It was likely a long one, so Mom and Yaya took the girls back down to Salem-it was too long for them to wait in a hospital room without getting into things, or getting upset.

The ultrasound once again showed that the only fluid in me was what was in your bladder-no other fluid had been able to build up. It also revealed that there was nothing in the gut-which sort of confirmed the thoughts that you had a bowel movement inside of me. Your heart was beating strong but they weren't able to see some of the things they were looking for. They were looking for you to be practice breathing and saw none of those movements. They were a bit concerned about that but at the same time it was to be expected with you being so young.

The biggest finding at this ultrasound was the fact that you had done the unlikely and had flipped yourself around so that you were breech. You were sitting directly on top of my cervix. This completely changed the name of the game for my day-to-day treatment.

When I got back to my room I was put on NPO. I have no clue what those letters actually stand for…but it means that I was not allowed to eat or drink. They had me on an IV, so I wasn’t at risk of dehydration. But since you were breech they needed to be ready to do an emergency c-section at the first sign of trouble. They had no clue if I was slowly dilating (which is sort of a characteristic of my pregnancies) without being in active labor. They didn’t want to do any exams because of bacteria being introduced that way. So they wanted to be extra careful because they did know I was a stretchy 1, nearly 2, just based on the last exam I’d had a week or so earlier.

So that’s how Wednesday passed. I did get to eat a late dinner, finally, but at midnight they took away everything again-even all my water bottles. Daddy was planning to go down to Salem and take the girls to a Church Halloween party. But he decided that this year Halloween would just have to be missed for them. He felt the need to stay up there with me, just in case.

November 1, 2007: Thursday came. We had made it through the night uneventfully. Daddy left for work like normal. I got up to have a shower around 8:30 or 9 or so. I knew that Nana was coming up (by herself) and really wanted to be showered! While I was in the shower I just had this really weird feeling down low in my cervix. Like something was moving IN it. Not on it, but actually IN it. I finished my shower, got all dressed again (but didn’t get the chance to comb my hair, darn it!) and my nurse came in the room to hook me up to monitors. I mentioned to her that something just didn’t feel right in my cervix. She had the doctor come in and they did a sterile speculum exam-basically she just looked really hard without actually touching anything because she didn’t want to add any risk of bacteria getting in. She couldn’t see anything out of the norm…so I felt a little silly. She did tell me that it was likely just you messing with my cervix. In my ultrasound there were no feet or hands to be near, just your little bottom sitting right on top of it. She took a look at your heart rate strip from the morning and while it still wasn’t quite as reactive as they want, it was pretty much the same as it always had been, so she told me to go ahead and have some lunch. So I ordered it…and called Nana to tell her I was allowed to eat so she should stop at a bakery and get me some yummy donut or pastry on her way in. She was almost to the hospital by then.

Nana got there after I’d just finished lunch. She brought…Cheesecake Factory cheesecake! 2 different kinds. I’d never had any from them before. I ate the entire large slice of cookie dough, and she left the white chocolate raspberry for Daddy-he loves cheesecake.

Nana stayed and visited with me for quite awhile. Finally she decided it was time to go. Just before she left she told me she really felt you were coming that day. No real reason to think so. Just an impression. And while she knew she (nor anyone else, not even Daddy) could be there during the birth since it would be a c-section that would involve me be placed under general anesthesia, she wanted to be here immediately after-she wanted that phone call telling her to get up there.

So Nana left. As she’d been there I was getting more and more crampy and uncomfortable. I finally decided it was because I needed to use the bathroom really bad. So I went in there, and really did have to go. I had almost immediate relief from my cramping. But as I was cleaning up I felt the toilet paper touching something. Something that wasn’t part of me. I reached up and felt one of your little feet literally making it’s way out of me. I pulled the cord that called my nurses and they came running in. I was so stunned and in shock and freaked out and scared that I could barely get the words out, but I told them that there was a foot coming out, and for real this time. They got me to the bed and immediately flipped a bar on it that made my head go way down and my feet go way up in the air-they were trying to use gravity to keep any weight from pushing you further through, but also to keep my cervix from triggering contractions and throwing me into labor. The nurse asked if she could do a real quick check-she almost didn’t even have to put her fingers up anywhere to feel your foot-it was that far down.

I knew that I was headed, as soon as they could get everything prepped, for a c-section. Mom had literally left just 10 minutes earlier. I first called Daddy at work and didn’t give the poor guy any details, just was crying and telling him he needed to get there now. Then I called Nana and, once again crying, asked her to turn around and get back to the hospital. And then I was wheeled away to the operating room.

This was one of the scariest experiences of my life. At the time it was the very scariest experience. The OR is very white and cold and bright and sterile. I had no clue what was going on. They asked when I’d last eaten, and when I told them not ½ hour before and that it was a rich cheesecake, they let me know that they expected me to vomit when they put me under. They made me drink some yucky stuff that was to neutralize my tummy to prevent that, but since I’d just barely eaten, it wasn’t likely to work at preventing it. Another nurse put in a catheter while another shaved me a little bit near where the incision would be. And yet another one cleaned my tummy with iodine. The anesthesiologist held a mask over my face that I think was pure oxygen, to help make sure I wouldn’t hyperventilate out of panic. And then they told me they were going to put me out and basically as soon as I was out the surgeons would cut and get her out. My last thoughts were me panicking about how would they know if I was really out. I was panicked that they would begin cutting and I would actually be awake/aware.

I needn’t have worried about that. The next thing I remember is waking in a recovery cubicle with Nana sitting right next to me waiting for me to wake up. Daddy was in the NICU with you. He got there soon after you were born, but they wouldn’t tell Nana anything so she was really worried, not knowing what was going on-I hadn’t had a chance to tell either of them what was going on before they got there.

I don’t know how long I was in recovery. You were born at 1:31pm. You were 1 pound 4 ounces and were 12.25 inches long. Just a tiny little peanut. I kept going in and out, unable to keep my eyes open for very long. I know I talked to Nana and asked the same thing many times. I think mostly wondering if Papa was coming up…but I don’t really remember. Eventually they wheeled my bed into the NICU so I could see you. Once again, I don’t remember much, but I do remember being able to touch your little leg with my hand. And your skin felt so thin, yet just like a little baby’s. And then I was out again. Next I woke up in my recovery room. Eventually Daddy came in there. Papa had gotten to the hospital and had gone to see you and give you a Priesthood blessing with Daddy. Nana had a bit of a cold so she didn’t want to make you or any other babies sick, so she stayed with me the whole time. The rest of the day was basically me going in and out of being awake. Mostly I was awake, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. But as soon as I’d get them closed I’d be wide awake again. No real sleep was gotten.

November 2, 2007:I woke up from one of my dozes around midnight and realized I was absolutely freezing cold. I woke Daddy up enough to put another blanket over me, but I just couldn’t quit shivering, which made me shiver more, and my teeth were chattering and my tummy-incision hurt so very badly because I couldn’t relax my muscles. I paged the nurse and she came in. I wasn’t running a fever. She spent some time talking to me, soothing me, explaining that the rapid hormonal changes can cause the shakes like that. I was finally able to get a hold of myself, I thought, and she left to talk to a doctor. She came back in 10 minutes later and I was shivering again and had already spiked a temp that just kept going up until it was over 101.5 ½ hour later. At 3am they started me on IV antibiotics. The doctor speculated that this was something that was going on before the c-section. He said that an infection from the actual surgery wouldn’t have set in so quickly. He thought that although we’ll never know why my water broke, it would make sense if I was developing an infection in my uterus which my body fought. But in the process of fighting the natural chemicals the body produces and uses to attack infection might have weakened and deteriorated my amniotic sac. That was just his speculation, but it’s the closest thing I have to an explanation of WHY? So I hold onto it. So that was why he wanted to treat me with antibiotics-in case it was something that began earlier but wasn’t completely killed, therefore becoming a stronger bacteria. By 8 or so I was feeling really pretty good. I got up, walked to the bathroom, had my catheter taken out, no problems there. And walking wasn’t anywhere near as painful as I had expected. But by 10am my head was pounding and I was getting chilled again. My temp spiked way up again and later came down. It sort of did that all day Friday. I was unable to come and see you because they wanted to be sure that my infection wasn’t something you could catch. Daddy kept coming to see you, though. Uncle Bo-bo and Auntie Jo-jo came to visit. Jo-jo stayed and kept Mommy company while Bo-bo went with Daddy in to see you. He thought you looked like ET with your long piano-player fingers. By evening I was feeling much better, just really weak. I’d started pumping for you to get some food and that was going very well. By the end of the day my milk had started to make a small appearance!

November 3, 2007: Saturday came and my morning nurse was pretty upset that I hadn’t gotten to see you since Thursday. She got a hold of the charge nurse for the NICU and was told I was fine to come down. So I took a shower and came on down to see you. Daddy wasn’t there-he’d gone home to be with your sisters. He was so relieved to know that I was able to go down to the NICU to be with you. I couldn’t physically stand to be there for too long. But you were beautiful. Just gorgeous. We had to wear gloves and yellow gowns because our family has a history of MRSA, which is a dangerous bacteria. Your sisters get infections on their bottoms, and just 2 days before my water broke I had to take Scharae to the hospital to have surgery to drain a particularly bad one. They were worried that you would be pre-colonized, just from being in me. But also worried about us shedding it onto you, causing you to be infected. Your tiny tiny body was so perfect. It was so amazing to me how this all works.

Later, Bo-bo and Jo-jo stopped by again. This time we all went down to see you. They were just amazed at how tiny you were. As they were leaving I was told that Bishop Jones and his wife were waiting to see you and me. So I brought them back as well. You had a lot of visitors that day!

You were doing so wonderfully. No ventilator was needed. No oxygen help at all. Just a C-pap in your nose to keep constant pressure on your airways so they wouldn’t randomly collapse and cause apnea. Your lungs were being so mature and strong for you. And your heart was going great. Basically the only problem we were having was that you were so tiny and small. The doctors were all amazed and proud of how well you were doing, but also had prepared us to know that many premature babies have a “honeymoon” period where they do really really great for the first 2 days or so, and then go downhill, but can be brought back up.

Papa came by after he got done working a shift at the Temple. We went down so he could see you and also so I could take some milk to the fridge. I didn’t know it, but the NICU is closed from 6:30-8 am and pm. It was a little after 7. So we went back to the room.

We came back down around 8 to see if I could be there when they removed all your “equipment” to do a weighing. Timing didn’t work for that right then. The very nice night nurse (I really wish I could remember her name) told me to come back around 11ish and we’d see if we couldn’t do it then. I came down around 10:30 and she felt so badly that she’d already done it, and we missed it. You hadn’t lost much, though, and did great without the C-pap on to keep your airway pressurized (prevent apnea spells). She promised that the next night she’d call me when they were ready to do that, and said it’d be right at the beginning of her shift-around 8.

November 4,2007: Once again this was a good day. I visited you off and on. Daddy was in Salem with your sisters. He did head back up in the evening, after Church. Our goal was for him to there before 8 so he’d be here for the weighing. At about 5 after 8 I got a call from the night nurse wondering if we were going to come. Daddy was still a little ways out, but she said she really needed to get started. So I went down there, really hoping Daddy could get there with the camera. I got there and she’d found some ways to dawdle here and there. We were just barely getting started with taking temps, changing diaper, all that stuff, when Daddy got here with the camera. We got some wonderful pictures. I think you weighed in at 1lb 2.8 ounces. Your weight loss still wasn’t too drastic, and you did so good without the C-pap in. You even peeked open one of your eyes-the left I think it was. We didn’t get to hold you because your skin was still so fragile. But it was wonderful to be there to watch the process and see you without your hat for the first time! Your head was so perfect and tiny! It was such a blessing that Daddy got there in time. It was a very special experience for us as your parents.

November 5, 2007: Monday was my discharge day. I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t even know how to begin thinking about how to juggle my two different “households” as far as where to be when. I spent as much time as I could down there at the NICU with you. It felt so refreshing to be actually dressed in my own normal clothes. Almost felt normal. It came time to leave and that was really hard for me. I didn’t know when I’d get to be back up there with you. And I just didn’t know how the next while was going to work.

You did have a head ultrasound which showed absolutely no bleeding in the brain. They decided to repeat this test early the next week, to be sure. You also had an echocardiogram and ultrasound of the heart done. They were checking if a tiny little valve that is open while a baby is inside Mama had closed off like it should have. In premature babies it can do fine, or have a hard time closing off-therefore cycling blood through the lung with every heart beat. You had no signs of any issues, other than one abnormal blood-gas level early this morning. But the ultrasound came back pretty good. You did have a small PDA (the name of the valve problem) but it was small enough that they wanted to check again on Wednesday to see how your body was handling it.

We got home and had an uneventful drive there. I did finally go to bed, but I didn’t sleep real well. Your sisters were still at Nana and Papa’s and I wouldn’t see them until tomorrow afternoon.

November 6, 2007: Tuesday showed up. Daddy called the NICU to see how your night went, how the weighing was. You had lost an entire ounce. I was devastated. That was almost the same amount as your total weight loss in the first 4 days combined. And of course, being a mom, my mind immediately decided it was because I’d left the hospital-that if I’d not left you’d have not lost so much at once. Obviously I knew this was irrational. But my emotional side had a hard time letting go of that. It was hard this morning because your sisters wouldn’t be back to the house until 1pm or so. And so I wasn’t being Mama to them…and I wasn’t up north being Mama to you, either. That was really hard for me. But Pappy arranged to take me up and drop me off to see you the next day, and that made all the difference for me-knowing exactly when I’d be able to see you again.

November 7, 2007: You were still doing great. 6 days old and no help for breathing at all! You’d been on and off the lights for jaundice. You just looked really good, though. I hadn’t seen you so active before! You were stretching your arms over your head and arching your back to stretch, just like a normal sized newborn!

They did do some follow-up heart tests. Your small PDA had become a tiny PDA and the cardiologist was really happy with the progress your heart was making on it’s own. They decided to check again on Monday and hold off on any treatment until then, unless things changed suddenly

You did have a slightly low hemoglobin level so they had to give you a blood transfusion. Once again, they told me you did so well to make it to day 6 before needing one. Babies your age don’t replenish their blood supply hardly fast enough to keep up with normal attrition (when the blood cells die/are lost all on their own) let alone with the fact that they were taking blood at least once, usually 2x a day! We also found out that your blood type was pretty rare-and it’s pretty rare when you look at what me and Daddy are. You were B-. Daddy is B+ and me and your sisters are O+. You’re kind of the odd duck out, there! Papa was so sad he had A+ because he had wanted to donate blood to go directly to you.

I got to the hospital around 1pm and planned to stay there until Daddy came after work. I was in so much pain, though. I had developed a severe urinary tract infection that came on and was seriously bad in the course of just 3 or 4 hours. I did get some antibiotics to help start getting rid of it. But by the time Daddy got there I was in so much agony I could hardly walk. You had an extra really great day…and Mommy had an extra not so great day!

November 8, 2007: Day 7 of life. When I called the nurses in the morning I found out some really great news…you had gained an entire ounce back! This left a little more than ½ ounce to be back to your birthweight! You had such a great day. They upped your feedings to every 3 hours because you were doing so well with every 6 hours. You just had a stellar day and the doctor I talked to on the phone just in awe at how good you were doing, with no downward turns! I couldn’t make it up to be with you. But I thought about you all day. They were finally able to get a PICC (central) line in your right leg today. This let them feed all your IV fluids, basically anything except red blood cells, through one place and not multiple IV’s.

November 9, 2007: Friday wasn’t so hot of a day for you. It really wasn’t a bad day in the life of a 24 week baby. But it was a bad day for you. You were having problems keeping your oxygen levels up and so they did start blowing some oxygen through your C-pap but just 20 or 30%, not too much. Pappy brought me up to be with you, once again. They did decide to give you another transfusion because you were slightly anemic. They also moved your feeding tube to be down into the top of your intestines, bypassing your tummy. This was because your tummy kept filling with air from the C-pap. They put a 2^nd tube down your throat into your tummy to be constantly sucking air out. But if your feedings were going directly into that, it’d suck all that out, too. You were doing so well with feedings that they didn’t want to stop them. They actually upped the amount so you were getting 1cc every hour which was almost ½ ounce every day! Dr Hendrickson was really hoping it was merely a case of the anemia making you weak and maybe the air in the tummy compressing the lungs. She hoped by taking care of those problems, maybe you’d bounce back. You had a steady day while I was there and when Daddy came we had to say good-bye to come home to your sisters.

November 10, 2007: I got a phone call at 3:30am from a nurse at the NICU. She was calling to let me know that you’d had a really rough night and they were needing to intubate you. At first I wasn’t too worried because most babies your age would have had to have been intubated from the very beginning. I went back to sleep and tried calling at 6:30 to see how that procedure went. I was told that your nurse was busy in your room, but would call me back…but no one called back. So at 8 I called again. I talked briefly to the nurse but then Dr Hendrickson came in and she got on the phone with me.

Things were not looking great. She said that you were on 100% O2 and barely keeping your oxygen saturation up to 77%. You just were having to work so hard to breath. She had started IV antibiotics, just in case it was infection. She had drawn more blood, to check levels. The blood at 5am looked pretty normal, though. She asked if we were coming up today and I told her I’d get there around 3 this afternoon. She wanted to prepare me to not be seeing the same little girl that I left in their care last night, and then said “I just wanted to make sure you were coming up today.” And the thought crossed my mind that maybe that was her subtle way of telling us that we needed to come up today, but maybe it was just for her knowledge. So we went about our morning with the girls, planning for Daddy to stay home with them while I came up with Papa Roy in the afternoon on his way to the Temple.

We got a phone call around 11:30am telling Daddy and I that if we could, we needed to get up to the NICU ASAP, that you weren’t doing too well. I knew this morning that things weren’t great, but really wasn’t expecting that phone call. Pappy came to the house to be with your sisters and Nana and Papa headed up to meet us in Portland.

When we got there we were told that just after that phone call you coded and CPR had to be performed, as well as epinephrine pushed to get your heart going again. Ironically, by the time we got up there, your little lungs were doing much better. Still intubated, but they were able to have you down to 50% O2 and your sats were staying up. They were in the process of doing another ultrasound of your head, as well as heart, chest, and belly. The head one did show a small brain bleed-likely caused by all the problems you were having, especially the CPR. The belly and chest ultrasounds confirmed what your doctor thought she saw on the x-rays: major fluid build up around them that wasn’t there at all yesterday. You were seeming to do ok, though. The biggest issue they were finding, in terms of keeping your heart rate level, was acidosis of the blood-it was too acidic. So they would push spurts of what is essentially baking soda to neutralize your blood. Problem with that is that it’s extremely hard on such small veins, as is most of the meds they were having to use. You had an IV in your head, and one in your arm. The theory is that the PICC (central) line they got in through a leg on Wednesday had perforated and all that fluid was simply flowing through your right side and filling in every empty space. This caused your cells to freak out and release all their acid, as well as potassium. They had to keep your blood sugar levels at 400ish to be able to administer enough insulin to fight the potassium. Your kidneys were completely shut down and your liver seemed to be struggling. Around this time I had to leave the room to pump. When I was finishing Daddy and Dr Hendrickson (who’s an absolute gem) came to find me. She had just gotten the latest blood results back. No infection could be cultured either in your blood or from fluid from your lungs. And very ironically your bilirubin (the stuff that causes jaundice) was very good, especially in light of the fact that you’d been on lights off and on for the last week, but not for 3 days or so. BUT every other enzyme level was not ok. She actually said “I’ve never seen such abnormal labs on a baby.” Your potassium levels and all of your other liver levels were high enough that in an adult they would warrant major attention by a doctor. And the cardiologist had spoken to her and told her that he had a hard time fathoming that the heart ultrasound was of the same heart he saw on Wednesday. It was ultra tiny-they could hardly get detailed pictures of it-and very deteriorated. He was surprised that it was still managing to pump, even as poorly as it was. At that point she basically had to tell us that if we kept up the medicine, IF you pulled through it would very certainly mean a life with no quality at all. Essentially a life dependant on machines. That pretty much left our only part in the decision to be WHEN? We chose to right then have you disconnected and extubated. The wonderful nurses took some pictures, and Daddy and I were finally able to hold our little angel and not have to worry about MRSA and gloves and gowns and wires and tubes. There are volunteers who crochet hat/blankie sets for this time. The blankie will be buried with you and the hat is in a beautiful keep-sake box that the NICU gave us. They also gave us a tiny bit of your hair, some feet- handprints, your thermometer, the bottle of babywash they used for you, a comb, your last blood pressure cuff and a gorgeous quilt which is the perfect size to become a wall hanging for our home. We don’t know what they will put as time of death, but I’m pretty sure it was pretty darn close to your time of birth-around 1:30pm. For 9 long days you fought to be here with us. And 7 of those were beautiful and amazing days-watching you amaze the doctors and nurses. Our Bishop and his wife met us up in Portland and were in the room with Mommy, Daddy, Nana and Papa as we all took turns holding you for the first and last time. They sang “I Am A Child Of God” for you, which was so very touching and brought such tears to my eyes. You truly are a child of God, as are we all. And you are back in his arms until Daddy and I can get back to you and be your parents in the eternity.

One small and seemingly insignificant detail is that your final nurse was also LDS. Daddy and Papa gave you a blessing after the head/heart ultrasound, but before any results were back. The nurse had come back in during this prayer to adjust some IV stuff. I wondered how totally odd she thought what we were doing was. But afterwards she quietly asked me if we were LDS. She said she was too. She said to me “I know it might not be of any comfort now, but someday the Plan of Salvation will be a lifeline for you. You’ll still need to go through the same pain and grieving. But just having that will be a wonderful thing for you, when you’re ready.” She really didn’t do a whole lot of anything different than probably any other nurse would have. But somehow just knowing that Toni Monson, the last medical professional to take care of you, was “one of our kind”-someone who held the same belief structure-was such a blessing to us. Very comforting.

Everything took such a quick turn. While the PICC line probably sped the process up, I truly feel this was your severe prematurity at work. Sure, lots of babies make it. But Taela, you just weren’t meant to. It’s a little tough to figure out WHY you had to fight for so long, just to not win that fight with life. But Daddy and I take great comfort in knowing that there is a reason. We can speculate what that (those) reason(s) might be. But I doubt if we really, truly ever KNOW what the reason was. But we know there’s some sort of Plan.

We are holding up ok, and then not, and then ok, and then not. I think that’s to be expected. It’s rough, but one thing that I am truly counting as a blessing is the ages of our girls here at home. They don’t understand even the concept that you were born or what that means. Nor what death is. And I don’t even have to worry about that! I know there will come a day when it will be addressed. You are not a child that will be forgotten or not talked about. I am happy that I don’t have to plan that talk in the near future though. I think it will end up being something that is just picked up on, and for that I am truly grateful.

Daddy and I love and appreciate all the prayers, thoughts and support we’ve had throughout this pregnancy. It was not an easy one for either of us and we are convinced that all the faith and prayers of those around us had a lot to do with us getting the opportunity to love and parent our Taela for as long as we did.

Do you ever?

2011-10-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or do the rest of you ever have a day that you look back on and wonder what on earth your problem was?

That one blog that was so depressing a week or two ago? The one where I was whining about 1st birthdays? Yeah, that's my day that I'm looking back on and wondering what on earth was going on with me!

Thankfully I have those days only every other week or so and not every other day like I have in the past...

If you don't like the words "breasts" or "boobs" move right along!

2011-10-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

Just an amusing little "Scharaeism" from this week:

You know that hand-down-the-front-of-the-shirt habit many babies and young toddlers have? The one where it's like there's a magnet down inside mama's shirt that just attracts the kid's hand all.the.time...

Scharae is 5.5 and has never lost that habit. Last Saturday morning we were hanging out in bed as a family chatting and watching Bones. Scharae was busy patting and squeezing my boob, then she'd lean over and give it a kiss and go back to patting it. Eventually I asked her "Scharae, you like my breasts, don't you?" And true to her inquisitive nature she answered with "What do you MEAN, Mom???" I pointed out she's always patting them and kissing them.

At that point she turned red (probably one of the first/few times I've seen her outwardly appear embarrassed) and buried her face in the pillows. Finally she sat up and said in a very small and wistful voice "It's just...they're so much BIGGER than mine..."

There you have it. Boob envy at age 5.

Brave Girl!

2011-10-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

Scharae was a rockstar getting herself all IVd and sedated for her MRI on Wednesday. She is pretty much a pro at getting blood drawn and IVs started, even if it takes a few tries to get a good vein. I am so glad it's over and hope that we hear something about the results soon! And actually I'm hoping there is something "wrong" on the MRI because that means there would be something to fix!

Fairies!

2011-10-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I remember when

2011-10-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

I remember thinking to myself that people were nuts with their kids' first birthday. Themes and venues and all the such. The kiddo won't even remember it and in pictures, a party at the house will look all the same to them when they grow up, right?

So with Keira instead of waiting a few weeks (because she's one, and will never know the timeline) after Scharae was born to have a big fun party I was nuts and had one the day after I came home from the hospital with Scharae. Nuts. It sucked. I'm sure I'm the only one it was awful for, and she had a blast and everyone was great. But I was miserable and wishing it wasn't happening and that I could just curl up in my bedroom alone and cry. I should have cared more about that party. I should have waited and done it when I had more of my all to give to it.

And a year later, almost to the day, it came time for the next first birthday. We had just moved down here and had some awesome friends that came all the way down from Washington, and some others that happened to live near Salem, plus my parents and grandparents. And again, I should have cared more. I should have made it a bigger deal. Cute invitations, some sort of theme, that sort of thing.

But in my mind that still seemed ridiculous. I still rolled my eyes at those that did so (yes, Crystal, I mean you ;)

And then yesterday I got the most cheerful and cutsie invitation for a sweet little girl's first birthday party. And it hit me how much I should have cared. Back then I assumed that there would be any number of 1st birthdays of my children to follow. I never dreamed that 3 more babies would come and then leave before I could care about that birthday party. I never dreamed that I would have no more chances to care about a first birthday. I never dreamed that I would wish I had cared more.

I remember what it was like to not know how much the seemingly little things really might mean. While I'm glad that I am taking more time to remember the small things, I miss that naive point of view in such a big way. Not because I would love to still think others are nuts about 1st birthdays, but because it would likely mean I would not have had the pain I have gone through-and am still going through-to come out on the other side with a new perspective.

6 x-rays later...

2011-10-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

This isn't Keira's leg. But it could be. At least the femur could be, not the tibia.

We spent 3 hours at the doctor's office today. I was just ready to ask if we could leave for lunch and then come back when the doctor we were seeing came in and suggested we leave and come back if needed.

Yesterday Keira was every now and then complaining about her right leg hurting. Not often, but enough for me to take notice. And by the time she went to bed it was more often and she was limping a bit. This morning when she got up she wouldn't hardly walk on it and it hurt her every time she moved her leg. So off to the doctor we went.

It wasn't her normal doctor because he was full up, but I didn't really want to wait until Tuesday to be able to see him specifically. In the end we did end up seeing him briefly a few times.

Keira had 6 x-rays done on her right leg. Her right femur bows out like the one in the picture above but then it turns back downward a bit more than that one does. There isn't an obvious fracture in the bone, but it's very possible she has what they called a greenstick fracture and they said it would be a "really big deal" to fix/take care of which implied surgery and casting of major proportions.

She was examined by 3 different pediatricians, including Dr. Rey-Rosa, her regular pedi. The films (ha! I say films but it's all digital now so there aren't any actual physical films to speak of!) were viewed by those 3 pedis and a pedi radiologist before finally being forwarded to a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. This is what took so long. He was on the road between locations and had to get to a computer to take a look.

About an hour after we left I got a call to let me know that there's a possibility this is an abnormal growth deviation that needs attention, a greenstick fracture that needs attention, or else it is an abnormal growth deviation that is "normal" for her which would be left alone. If the pain goes away by Monday it's almost definitely the latter and was rooted in a muscle strain or a sprain of some kind. If the pain is still there on Monday it's going to likely be one of the first two possibilities.

So to pass the time we're loading her up on ibuprofen and basically letting her call the shots on how much/what she's doing. Starting with us heading up to Puyallup area tomorrow to meet up with John's aunt and cousin and go visit a pumpkin farm!

Alcorn Apple Pressin' Festival 2011

2011-09-11T22:18:00.000-07:00

We all headed over to Grandma and Grandpa Alcorn's place in Kennewick this past weekend. John and I got a hotel-next time we'd go ahead and throw our tent up I think. But it went well.

Friday we went out to the farm and used Uncle Nick's huge apple press. Apple pressing has long been a yearly tradition for our family. As kids it was often a chore. And then it became a party and now as adults it's something we all look forward to/want to do so that we can enjoy the juice all year round!

Uncle Nick's press is an actual commercial/industrial press so it made the large box of apples go nice and fast. I think we actually had it running for maybe 90 minutes and got something like 60-75 gallons out of it (I might be off on that number, but somewhere in that area). To do that much on our regular press would have taken quite a few hours I think.

We all headed back to Kennewick and jumped in the pool, pasteurized the juice, had dinner and played dice games together. It was great to have everyone there. Jason and Crystal and their family came over from Ferndale, Brig and his family from Eugene, Cori and Kari with their kids from Boise area, Beau and Joanne were in charge of food-and did an awesome job with it-and brought much of it all the way from Rexburg. Yaya and Pappy and Ole came over, and then Mom, Dad, Erik and Liz and all of us.

On Saturday we headed to the river and took out the boat. Keira, Scharae and Jax all took turns on the innertube for the first time (as did Crystal for her very first time!) I didn't get myself out there on it, but most everyone else did. We headed back and did some more swimming out at Grandma and Grandpa's pool (so great!). Keira has perfected her swimming and diving board technique-no water wings needed! Scharae is a little fish swimming just below the surface of the water whether she can touch the ground or not.

We had a fantastic time seeing all the family all together in one place. It made John and I miss our babies so much, seeing so many of the other families growing. But it was still a grand time to be had and we look forward to the next family fling!

And it begins again.

2011-09-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Moonstruck

2011-08-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work my dad gave me a lovely box of chocolates. I usually don't share my chocolate. At all. But to keep myself from eating them all in one day I decided I better share. There was a cayenne one in there for John. And then I let the girls each choose one for their dessert. The look in their eyes was precious-you would think they were getting a million dollars! I think it was their fist time seeing a box of chocolates, let alone gotten to pick one!

Just call us toothless.

2011-08-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

These girls are losing teeth left and right here! Scharae lost her 2nd bottom tooth a week or two ago and Keira let me pull her 3rd tooth-her first top one-this evening! Her other top tooth will be close to follow-she seems to be the kid that loses two teeth at a time.

Sweetness

2011-08-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sweetness is:

· moving furniture and finding just the right spot to fit all your needs. Even though it is a little cramped.

· rocking out to Pandora’s Red Hot Chili Peppers station at the top of my lungs. And having the girls sleep right through it (and the vacuuming) and not even caring how ridiculous I look when the husband walks in to see me in all my glory

· an evening walk with my husband. Just the two of us-and the dog trying to nose her way in, of course-whle the girls are sound asleep in their beds. Without leaving the house, thank you On Demand Exercise TV.

· Being able to breathe through said walk without feeling like I was dying. My heart and lungs have finally seemed to get with the program.

· Having my 2 sweet girls to wake up to every morning and getting to see their sweet joy in the little things in life. Like homemade bubble blowers (more on those later. If I remember).

· a husband that works so hard to pass all the exams he needs to in order to keep us living as comfortably as we do. We are so blessed for him to have the career he loves and is challenged by, and one that allows me to be home with the girls.

· Remembering a God that loves me and knows what is right for me and my family, even when I think I know better.

· my life

Off to the coast!

2011-08-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day out on the coast! Mom and I loaded the girls up and headed out with our buckets and shovels, kites, chairs and of course, goggles.

There was the perfect breeze to keep one of the kites up just barely for the girls-this was their first time flying one, I think! They braved the cold water and swam in the shortest river in the world-and actually they never even went to the actual ocean part. Much easier to keep an eye on them at the river instead of the waves!

They dug a hole until they found water. And then filled it with more water. Keira made a friend who had the same swimsuit as her-but she never found out her name. Guess we need to work on some of the more subtle social graces! After all the fun at the beach we went and had a nice late lunch at McMenamins in Lincoln City.

Thanks for coming to the beach with us, Nana! Next time we see how many dogs we can squish into your 'burban and take them swimming!

Wood N' Stitches giveaway!

2011-08-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

My friend Sharlee's sister does some awesome home decorations. I've seen them around Sharlee's house and just love them!

And right now, she's doing a blog giveaway!

Go check it out!

Lately

2011-07-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have rediscovered baking. It's been a loooong time since I've had the energy-or desire-to bake/cook dinner. A very long time.

We got a BBQ not too long ago and I've been working on my steak technique, burgers, we got some deLite Papa Murphy's pizzas on Saturday and grilled them and they were AWESOME. Seriously. Try the Mediterranean Chicken and Chicken Bacon Artichoke pizzas. They cook up in like 6-8 minutes and just are great. Next step is to make my own dough, etc.

Last night was t-bone steaks and caprese salad (sliced tomatoes and fresh mozzerella slices), and spinach/blackberry salad. Yum! The girls had turkey burgers with their salads.

Tonight:

Chicken Stuffed Peppers. Delicious.

4 chicken breasts

3c chicken broth

8oz cream cheese

4oz diced green chiles

4oz grated monterey jack

4oz grated cheddar

1.5tsp cumin

salt and pepper to taste

1/4-1/2c salsa

corn from two ears/1 can

4 bell peppers halved and seeded

Preheat oven to 350F. Poach chicken in broth. Shred or pulse in the food processor. Mix shredded chicken (drain off the broth) with softened cream cheese, half the monterey jack and cheddar cheeses, cumin, salt/pepper, salsa and corn.

In a 9x13 arrange the 8 halves of bell pepper. **I poured about 1/2 inch of the broth into the bottom of the pan first.** Spoon the mixture into the peppers and top with the remaining cheddar/monterey jack cheese. Bake for 30-35 minutes until cheese is bubbly and peppers are tender. **I have enough filling left over to make enchiladas later this week. I added the rest of the chicken broth to it to thin it down a bit.**

Marionberry Crisp

4.5 cups berries (I used 6c)

4T white sugar (I used 6T)

2c flour

2c rolled oats

1.5c brown sugar

1c butter
1tsp cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350F. In a medium bowl lightly toss white sugar with berries and let set.

In another medium bowl combine brown sugar, flour, cinnamon and oats. Cut in softened butter until crumbly.

Press 1/2 of flour mixture into 9x13 pan. Evenly pour the berries in. Top with the remaining flour mixture, pat lightly. Bake at 350F for 25-30 minutes until topping is lightly browned and berries are bubbling up. Serve with vanilla ice cream!

Home again

2011-07-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

Grandma and Grandpa's pool is heavenly. We could live there at the pool all summer. Both of the girls are swimming now!!! Scharae mostly is swimming underwater which is how I started out my swimming skills. She is quite the diving board fiend now. At the start of today she would only jump over the edge if she could touch but all on her own she would move two steps farther and farther out until she got to the board and discovered how much fun it could be!

Take a look at these next pictures. They are not staged. They are a testament to my occasional negligence as a parent. Oops.

What is missing? Oh yeah. The water wings. Scharae was wanting pictures done on the diving board and Keira had been in the house for a few minutes and came out wanting pictures. Nevermind the water wings sitting 5 feet away. I didn't even clue in to the fact that she was in deep water with no floating help until she had resurfaced and was starting to realize it herself. The good news? She made it to the edge of the pool on her own. Now that she's gotten over the experience she is quite proud of herself. By the time I got them out of the pool she had started getting in the pool by the diving board (no more jumping without the wings, though) and swimming the whole length of the pool with absolutely no trouble! Still mostly a doggy paddle. But that's better than nothing, and is a great place to start!

This last picture shows about how Scharae is feeling now. I think she is allergic to eastern Washington. We've ended up in the ER once or twice during visits and EVERY time we go I end up kicking myself for not bringing the nebulizer.

Slacker!

2011-07-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

I have pretty much stunk at the whole blogging thing lately. Sorry. I've been avoiding posting anything because I haven't gotten pictures from California (2 whole months ago now!?) but I'm just going to move on. We went to California. I have literally 1,000 pictures from the trip. But haven't gone through them to post. Just trust me, we went ;)

So on to the next trip! The girls and I left on Tuesday for a Girls' Trip. We got to Kennewick around noon and swam in Grandma and Grandpa's pool for about 4 straight hours. Keira is officially a swimmer. Sorry, no documentation of that. Maybe on Monday I'll get a video of her or something.

Wednesday we headed east to Kuna, ID to visit Cori, Kari, and the kids. Kari got this one picture to document that we were there:

They all seemed to have fun and played as well as a 3, 4, 5, and 6 year old are going to! Yay for cousins!

Yesterday we drove to Rexburg to stay with Beau and Joanne. The girls have had a blast. Scharae informed me today that she wants to live here in this house when she's a grown up. She'll let Beau and Joanne live here, too. Maybe. If they are lonely for her.

We went to Yellowstone Bear World today:

And then this afternoon Beau took the girls on the 4-wheeler. Just a short little spin through the drive here. Took some mighty convincing for them to go. Too loud for Scharae and Keira needed to be sure he wasn't going to kill them first! Now she's pretty sure her dad and Papa need to learn to drive one so she can get more rides.

Tomorrow we head back to Grandma and Grandpa's. I'll let the girls swim Monday morning and get on the road home in the afternoon. John has a big exam on Tuesday so he's probably been relieved to have us gone so he can cram for it.

The girls have been AWESOME travel companions this week. Better than I could have asked for. Scharae has had a few rough spots, but nothing out of the ordinary for her this summer-her routine has been thrown off ever since school let out. This has been an awesome trip-one I'd love to do again and maybe stick around in a few more places a bit longer!

Falling out of bed

2011-05-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

Mazey fell out of bed tonight:

When she's really kicked back she sleeps on her back with her legs up in the air. Apparently her bed couldn't handle it and she needed to slide off it tonight. I think she's happy to be home :)

Bonfire!

2011-05-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Ouch!

2011-05-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

So you might have noticed a clunky green thing on the pictures of Keira twirling away in my projects post.

Today we went to the doctor for a "well-child" exam for each of the girls. Keira stands about 3/8" taller than Scharae. Somehow the .9 pound weight difference (Scharae weighs more...and has since they were 1 and 2 I think!) creates an optical illusion wherein Scharae appears to be taller. I think K was happy to officially be told she's taller than her sister. It's a point of annoyance to her when someone says Scharae is "bigger" because in Keira's mind older=bigger!

While we were at the exam I decided to mention the fact that Keira has been favoring her left arm lately. Last week, on her birthday, she fell off some play equipment during recess. I guess the PE/sports medicine guy checked her out and sent her on her way with an ice pack so I didn't really worry much. I noticed her avoiding using it to catch herself from falling off her *new* bike on Friday but since she wasn't complaining constantly about it, and was still definitely using her left hand/arm I figured I'd just watch it through the weekend. I probably would have forgotten all about it today if she hadn't winced in pain when I was helping her out of the car at the doctor office.

So, off to x-ray we went. And sure enough, it's a buckle fracture. We had to drive across town to the other Kaiser clinic to have it casted. She picked out green-big surprise there!-and the casting tech picked out one that has green glitter worked into the fiberglass, too! Keira is not accepting signatures on her cast, so don't even ask. She isn't really sure why anyone would want to write on something like a cast, to be honest. She looked at me like I had tentacles growing out of my ears when I mentioned that kids in her class might want to write their names on it (do kids still do that???)

I have no clue how long this thing will be on there. The x-ray has to be seen by an orthopedic doctor who will then schedule to see us...probably while we're on vacation to Cali, so we'll see!

Finishing off some Projects

2011-05-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

I've been busy making these car organizer bags! I bought the pattern (yes...pattern. Have I mentioned that traditionally I HATE patterns???) 2+ years ago, and even some fabric specifically for it (the road trip fabric in the 2nd bag up there). I love them! I made one for Mom for Mothers' Day that is more of a bag-it has a gusseted bottom so it actually has some depth-that can hang over the headrest of the front seat to hold all your stuff for errands. These ones are for the girls to use on the seat in front of them. There is a water bottle pocket, pockets for color books, toys, blankies, etc. They're pretty excited to use them on our upcoming roadtrip to California!

My other latest project has been these skirts. Mom brought home this "fairy" skirt from Holland that was essentially two large squares of fabric with the top one a 45 degree turn in relation to the bottom one. This puts the points each individually at their own spot (hence the fairy term the girls have used for them). These skirts are AWESOME for twirling! I also made head scarves out of scraps because they both really love having matching head pieces...and it makes the early mornings before school easy, especially if we're having a particularly bad hair day :)

Things that grow

2011-05-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

Apples grow. And then they get eaten. Sometimes over the course of a few days, one bite at a time!

Meet Velma (left) and Daphne (right). Our resident Dirt Babies. They grow very well in our window sill! The girls made them at Oregon Ag Fest last month. I think it's time for a haircut!

Beans grow very well here, too! Time for a bigger growing space!

6!

2011-05-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

I give up. These pictures are all over the place-I am NOT a fan of Blogger's picture uploader! Any tips?

This post has taken me days and days to get done thanks to Blogger's apparent outage earlier this week. And I've been sick and just lazy :)

So, Keira is 6 now!!! She has gotten so grown up! I think from the very start you can see the little attitude in this kid! And talk about a "sense" of style! Not necessarily a matchy-matchy style, but you have got to admit she has a look all her own!

She is so smart. Like a sponge, ready and wanting to learn anything anyone will teach her (this can be a good or a bad thing!) I have been told that she is at the top of her class academically! John and I are trying really hard to not let that go to our heads ;)

Keira sings and dances all day long. It looks like she is going to even get to go to a week long dance camp this summer! What a lucky girl!

Keira has lost 2 teeth this year and is very proud of them. She is quite vain about her hair-but I must admit she has very beautiful brown waves. I'm sort of jealous of her hair!

On Friday there was a walk-a-thon at Bethany Charter School. Each class was given 30 minutes to do their laps on the 1/8m track. Keira went into it with the very ambitious goal of 30 laps (that would have been 3.75 miles!) and she practiced her running during recess all week. She's pretty proud of the 17 laps she ended up doing. She wasn't really sure how far that was until I put it into the perspective that it was as if she ran from our house to the corner where her dad catches the bus, and then back again. That really impressed her with herself!

Keira has been such a delight for John and I to parent. She definitely has her moments of being a handful, but she more than makes up for it the rest of the times. She is so easy to teach-as long as she and I are both in the right moods-and I truly feel lucky to be her mother. This summer we're going to work on math, and hopefully I'll get my act together and get her started on the piano, too!

5!

2011-05-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

4/2011-My sweet girl in all her unique glory!

5 years ago this evening-about 8:30pm-I gave birth to this beauty of a girl! She has brought so much light and laughter into our lives. Scharae loves to smile. Most often her smile is a bit crooked-the orthodontist says to start saving now because she's going to need to have some work done to stave off jaw problems in the future! And she often can be found smiling with her finger touching her teeth if you've instructed her to "show your teeth!" for the camera. She loves her tongue-it's very long and if you ask her about it she'll show you just how long it is (long like a cow's where it can touch her nose).

Scharae loves to learn. She knows all her ABC's and the sounds they make and if she's in the right mood she'll even write them all out for you. I know she could be reading short easy books by now if she really wanted to. But why would she want to when she can just ask her big sister to read to her?

She is the star of her preschool class and is super excited to be going in to Kindergarten next year. In fact she believes that since she's 5 now, she should start Kindergarten tomorrow. I'll appease her by taking her in to help out in Keira's class with me a few times between now and the end of the year.

Scharae loves music. On Friday she was a bit under the weather so she and John stayed home from school/work. He was working in the bedroom when he realized that she'd turned off the TV and was out in the living room singing to herself. So he put the tape recorder out there to record her for like 10 minutes. She just never stops singing! Some of the songs are real songs and some are made up and are based off of whatever she sees or is doing at the time.

Scharae is a big helper. She loves to clean-vacuum and dust most of all. In fact she and Keira "went to Holland" and dusted it all out on Friday! (Mom is redecorating her upstairs room to be blue and white with a lot of her Dutch stuff in it and they were pretending they were in Holland)

She is a big cuddler. Even at 5 she still believes she's a little lap dog, so to speak. I don't think this girl will ever get too big to snuggle with her mama or daddy. Hand her a scrap of her blankie and she's ready to climb on up and curl into a little ball in your lap.

Scharae is really just such a sweet joy to have in our family. Sure, we have our rough days. And yes, I have been known to say that if she had been our first child we would have had a bit more motivation to wait before #2 came along. She was a very high maintenance infant, especially in comparison to Keira. But she is so worth it. We love her very much and are so happy to get to be her parents!

Hanna Andersson and the lost tooth

2011-04-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

All you mothers of little girls that ~~enjoy~~ require dresses for their daily wardrobe, I sure hope you have yourself a Costco card!

Sorry for the crazy picture placement. But basically, Hanna Andersson dresses are the best (And they're Swedish...for those of you to whom that might matter. No one reading this, I'm sure ;) They're this awesomely good quality knit. Thick/heavy without being thick/heavy. Basically way better than Target (and I love Target knit for my girls!) or WalMart dresses. It washes up nicely. Simple stains wash out of the knit so easy. Yes, we just got these on Saturday and Scharae's has already been washed twice. Both times on Sunday. Yeah, she's sort of a disaster. And at Costco they're like $18 which is almost 50% off from the website! And I may or may not have noticed that the Washington Square Mall is getting a store there this spring...and that may or may not be right near our adoption agency office...hmmm...must.not.go.overboard...

But check out the twirl on those dresses! Perfect for my two dancing divas! Today was Keira's Grandparent Luncheon at school and she was so excited to get to wear her new dress to have lunch with Grandma Alcorn!

Thanks, Aunt Lisa, for the birthday summer dresses!

And on to the lost tooth portion of this post. Scharae lost her first tooth! She has had one that she has been causing to become loser and loser-I don't think it was REALLY lose. I think that in the excitement of Keira losing two teeth she just NEEDED it to be lose. So today they had a hygenist come to her preschool class and they had varnish put on them and a general check over (her teeth look healthy, by the way) and I think this got her really focused in on her teeth. She came home and the first thing she told me about school was that her wiggly tooth hurt when she was eating tortillas at Teacher Steve's table. So I checked, and sure enough-it was ready to come out! (Sorry, Papa...you missed yet another tooth pulling opportunity!)

Proof

2011-04-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

John is a self-proclaimed non-dog person. For those of you who know what my mom's profession is (yes mom, you are a professional!) and how much time we spend there-especially in the last few months-you'll know how big of a problem this might be!

But I have PROOF! Proof that he is NOT not a dog person!

Meet Mazey. Amazin' Grace. Mazola. Mazers. She has many names. And yes, that is the bed she is on. John's bed. His beloved king-sized bed. His side of the bed, even. Oh, and his Mario pjs that Keira lovingly picked out for him 2 Christmases ago.

Yes, yes, I know. The fact that there is a picture of a dog in our house doesn't seal the deal for John. But maybe this picture will?

He is finally able to admit that he is a dog person. At least a Mazey person. And by admit I mean it comes out as "Nope. I'm definitely NOT a dog person" while he's laying on her or petting her, or taking her for a walk, or soothing her ruffled feelings after being chased by the girls and having her new toy taken away. The girls and I brought Mazey home over the weekend to see how much we needed to do to the house and yard to have it work out, but I think we're pretty much there. The girls have really been working on "picking up like if Mazey was here" (a dog is GREAT motivation for keeping the house picked up! If only John and I could catch that motivation for our own room...do as I say, not as I do and all that). We did a family walk yesterday to the park on the corner and she enjoyed all the new smells. Was a bit confused by the cars. And was very confused by the cat and squirrels frequenting the fence of her backyard. First time she's seen either, I think! But she seems to be happy, John's happy, I'm happy and the girls are happy with her around. It's amazing how happy a dog can make you feel!

So on to how things are around here. They're trucking along. I'm getting really tired of being told how blessed John and I are, how special we must be, etc etc etc. I know people mean well. And if someone reading this is one of the ones that has said such a thing, know I don't resent it. And on some level I might be inclined to know/believe that. But to be perfectly honest, it doesn't help. I don't want to be blessed sometime in the future. I want it now. Yes, that's selfish. But it is what it is.

But we're doing ok. Every night Scharae prays that Malcolm's body will have a good sleep in the ground. And both girls still pray that Mommy's body will quit hurting and get stronger. And I think those prayers at least are helping. I'm not feeling weak, just exhausted. Someday I'll stop taking afternoon naps, right? Especially since the kids don't take them...

We're having some issues with honesty and sneaking. Mostly food. Keira seems to have some major control issues/obsessions with food and it is really coming to a head. We don't want to push too hard and make her obsess even more, but at the same time, the concept of being honest needs to be pushed and the issue at hand happens to be food. If it were my makeup or John's shoes being taken by her I'd feel the same way as far as wanting to teach and make a point. But having it revolve around food just adds that layer to it. I swear she's 5 going on 16!

Scharae is her happy go lucky singing self. I swear she never stops talking in the day. Even in her sleep she's a talker! John gets her up in the middle of the night once or twice to go to the bathroom and sometimes she talks his ear off and you can tell the kid is sound asleep! It's quite amusing.

We are planning a trip to California in June. If you're down that way, let me know and we'll try to work you in! Definitely stopping off in the Medford area (I think?) to see some friends down there, and Christina, you're on our list either on the way down or on the way back up, depending on how time looks. I think the girls are finally sold on Disneyland. They haven't really felt the need to go. You know, since Branson had teacups and flying elephants, who needs Disneyland!? But I've never been before, so even if they don't want to go, we're going! I'm pretty excited about it.

And then...well...we'll see how the summer treats us and what life brings us!

John and I are so thankful for the love and support we've had from family and friends through the last few months. Years, really. We truly appreciate it. And we are hoping to have some plans in the nearish future that might draw on more love and support...so we hope that it will be there then, too!

Seriously, who does that?

2011-04-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure most of you have heard the outcome of our latest pregnancy (synonymous with drama around here).

But seriously...who almost dies in childbirth these days? Pretty sure not too many look back on that situation too often anymore, at least not without having at least been aware that it was a real possibility.

I'm just going to sort of type things out as I remember them, for the sake of remembering.

March 17 (20w5d)-I got out of the shower and all seemed well. When I was getting dressed I bent over to put on some clothes and when I stood up my water broke. Just out of nowhere. It wasn't the huge amounts that I've had in the past, so I was a little hopeful that it was just a leak, but that was not to be. Mom and I got up to the hospital and John came over and met us there. Since I wasn't in obvious labor or bleeding to death I had the OK from my doctor to skip Salem Hospital and come up to St Vincent's in Portland where she has privileges. I got all checked out and settled in a room. An ultrasound showed a decent amount of fluid which was a hopeful thing. My white blood cells were slightly elevated but I also had a cold coming on and either that or simply being pregnant could have been the cause of that. My doctor's colleagues were all pushing for the cerclage to be removed. I absolutely did not want that happening. To me that was the difference between this time and the others. And since research/protocol at that point was 50/50 on removing it or not she agreed to let me keep it in. For the moment.

March 19 (21w)-the decision was made to release from the hospital. I made it clear that I really wasn't comfortable with being the sole person in charge of recognizing an infection setting in but was assured that a uterine infection wouldn't move that fast. My doctor was out of town on a quick weekend trip to Florida, but she had already let me know that they would likely only keep me for 2 days to get some IV antibiotics on board.

March 22 (21w3d)-I suddenly started bleeding a pretty fair amount. Up until this point I hadn't been bleeding, just leaking clear/pink fluid. John and I went back up to Portland. My doctor was going to be back the next day so they went ahead and kept me. My white blood cells had dropped to perfect levels-lower than when my water had broke, so there was no concern for infection, just the bleeding. My AFI (fluid level) was 5.6 which is pretty considerable in light of how much I'd been leaking. He was head down for the first time on an ultrasound, which is good for helping act as a "plug" as well as putting him in prime "breathing" position for the baby to breathe the fluid. All good news.

March 23 (21w4d)-My doctor came and did her thing, went over last minute labs and decided to send me home since the bleeding had slowed down. She again mentioned that it would possibly be a good time to take out the cerclage, but since she knew I wanted to keep it in, and there were no signs of infection, she was ok with that. My white cells were still nice and low, and again I was assured that a uterine infection wouldn't move so fast that I wouldn't catch it as long as I was taking my temp every 6 hours and watching for it to hit 100.0 or higher. I needed to hang on 10 more days in order to hit 23 weeks when the NICU would resuscitate.

March 24 (21w5d)-The girls were busy enjoying spring break playing at some friends' house. John and I were at home and everything seemed fine. Around 2 I started getting really really achy and uncomfortable. My temp was fluctuating between 98.6-99.3, so really not too bad. But I just was uncomfortable. It sort of felt like one of those 12-24 hour achy colds. I debated calling the doctor's office or not. Finally around 4, when I knew that the nurse line would be closing soon so I needed to decide to call or not, I called. I almost didn't. I almost decided to wait until Friday to decide what to do. Of course the doctor told the nurse to have me come back to the hospital. So we went. My mom came and got the girls, my dad was already up in Portland for meetings so he met us at the hospital. I got all settled in to the room and had labs drawn. My oral temp was still in the 99 range but when the nurse did an axillary it did get up to 100.8, so officially a "fever". When my labs came back my doctor came in. Again pushing for the cerclage to be removed, but I was still hanging on hard to that hope. My white blood cells had gone from 9,000 at noon the day before to 20,000 at 7pm this evening. A HUGE and fast jump obviously indicating something was wrong. I insisted on a flu test, just in case. That would be something manageable, right? Never mind the fact that the flu usually depresses white cells, not increases them. I suffered through the night just kind of achy and uncomfortable, but nothing too bad.

March 25 (21w6d)-Remember how I mentioned that I considered waiting until Friday morning to make the decision on going in to the hospital or not? If I had waited I don't know that I would have gone in on Friday morning. I woke up feeling pretty darn good. I'd had 2 or 3 bags of fluid pushed overnight and one of the nurses was hopeful that maybe I was just feeling bad from dehydration (I wish). 4am labs showed my white cells to have gone from 20,000 up to 25,000 overnight, so still climbing. When my doctor came in to talk to me I pretty much knew I needed to let go of the cerclage. She was talking about automatically inducing which really wasn't what I wanted. So she agreed to do an amnio and if the fluid didn't have bacteria she'd remove the cerclage and work on figuring out where else the infection might be.

20 minutes and no fluid later the amnio was declared a failure. I had no fluid at all left to sample. So we moved on to the cerclage removal, which I fell asleep during, thanks to Versed. When I woke up she and a colleague who assisted came in and told me that the second they released the cerclage it was more than obvious that the infection was uterine. I guess pus just came bubbling out, having been locked in by the cerclage. Nice.

That was around noon. I was told to go ahead and eat something-I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours-and then they'd get the pitocin going and get an epidural on board. I'd never had one before, but decided I just didn't want to deal with the physical pain on top of all the emotional turmoil. But I never really ate. By 2pm I was just a shivering mess. I went from feeling ok to just being a mess in less than 2 hours. I think I ate a bite or two of tomato soup or cheese sandwich (my comfort food) and then threw it all up multiple times. Eventually I got my epidural and I just remember sort of "coming to" every half hour or so and being amazed that hardly any time had passed. At one point I was checked and was 5cm. I think at one point I wanted to know at what point we quit and went for a c-section. I was that done. And then suddenly around 7:30 I realized I had like 6 doctors all staring down at me, asking questions, talking about this and that and it was sort of intimidating. I really can't remember a whole lot in the chain of events after that, but I do know that they told me they were taking me to the ICU and that I'd be delivering there. It didn't really occur to me that the ICU+me=bad/sick/etc. So all the people in the room were scurrying around, I realized I had an oxygen mask on-no clue when that got put on me. And then I realized that I felt like I needed to push. My doctor wasn't there so her colleague that had been present during the failed amnio sat down and pretty much the baby just came right on out. Malcolm Tarragon Calder. He was so dark and black, I was sure he wasn't breathing, but he was. About 10 breaths per minute-which is hardly at all. I know I held him, but I really don't remember a whole lot about holding him or anything. By then I was a lot more alert than I had been, but still pretty out of it. He was 1lb 2.9oz which is very big for 22 weeks-just like the ultrasounds had said he was. We had tried to get my doctor to change my due date based on earlier ultrasounds, just 8 days so that the NICU would try to save him, but she really only felt like she could maybe eke out 4 or 5 days, which wasn't worth it. I had told John and my dad that if he was over a certain weight I wanted them to push resuscitation, based on size. And he was over that weight just barely, but I'm sure it wouldn't have mattered. I think my body made him so sick, he didn't have a chance.

At some point a doctor asked why I was still there and not in the ICU and that got things moving again and off I went, leaving John and my parents with the baby.

Again from here things are really fuzzy. I know my blood pressure was tanked. I was in septic shock. I think my highest blood pressure at that point was 50/40. I trend low, but now that low. Over the next 48 hours my white blood cell count went up over 50,000 and my potassium, calcium and some other something bottomed out and had to be added via IV. I blew IV lines (my arms look horrific) and at one point had 4 IV ports going because they couldn't keep any one line open enough to push more than one med in at a time. They wanted to do a central line and I don't remember much of the conversation, other than being told that typically they'd do a line either under my collar bone or in my neck, but because of all the fluids and medicines they'd pushed they wouldn't be able to apply any pressure should they happen to nick my carotid artery!? So they went for a central line down in my thigh/groin. Don't remember much of that other than they finally took out the 4 IV lines in my arms because they could hook them all up down there with no problem.

At some point either in the delivery room or in the ICU, not sure which, my pulse was ranging from 170-185 and I was doing 65-75 breaths per minute. I guess my fingers, toes and lips were all just blue because I wasn't getting enough oxygen-all part of the septic shock I guess? After I started to get stabilized in the ICU I started losing oxygen again and chest x-rays showed pulmonary edema (I think that's the right term?). I had fluid in and around my lungs. So they started me on Lasix which got rid of most of it. As a consequence of all of that I'm left with diminished lung capacity right now and my doctor told me on discharge not to be too surprised if it's 6-9 months before I feel like doing more than 30 minutes of slow walking on the treadmill (so I went out and mowed the front and back lawns last night...and paid for it big time. I love following instructions...)

After the ICU I spent some time on the surgery floor. I think. Not really sure what floor, but it seemed like most people were post-op and basically immobile. I wasn't post-op but was certainly immobile. Until Wednesday of this week I wasn't able to do so much as move my own hips around to readjust myself in bed. Everything hurt so badly, and beyond hurting, I just had literally no energy. I came home Wednesday afternoon and have been getting stronger since then. But it's hard to remember that not only did I have a baby a week ago, I was really really sick and that close to dying a week ago. Really the processing of both events haven't totally happened for me yet. Bits and pieces here and there have broken through, but not the full monte. Because really, who almost dies having a baby anymore!?

My kidneys have had hard time remembering to start working again, but labs on Thursday have put some hope out there that they'll turn around. They haven't been clearing creatinine very well which I guess has impacted my diminished lung capacity thing. My body isn't really happy with me taking deep breaths partially because the shallower I breathe-the more CO2 I breathe out compared to O2 coming in-the more toxins it can clear with the CO2. But that should hopefully be turning around. And I need to eat more bananas. I still haven't gotten hungry more than once or twice since last Thursday. But I've been making myself eat as normally as possible...time to stock up on bananas or else I'll have to get another IV of potassium in the near future.

Tomorrow morning is the graveside memorial. I'm expecting it to be pretty tough, knowing that I haven't really "gone there" yet. But at the same time, maybe I'll be able to keep my walls up a little longer. There's not a whole lot I hate more than breaking down in public. We have lots of friends that have come into town from Washington to be here for this and hate that it seems like we see them more often on sad occasions than happy ones, but are so happy to have the love and support. We've had the support and help from those at church and friends and family near and far and are truly thankful for that. So now we get to hunker down and let "real life" take over and hopefully sweep us along in it, and hopefully we'll survive and come out on the other side.

My little flower girls

2011-03-17T21:42:00.001-07:00

Click to make the picture bigger. I think?

I tried

2011-03-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

I tried to get a decent picture of my "putting on a brave face" smile just now. But somehow it didn't seem to be happening.

Oh yeah. It's because I don't have a brave face right now. And basically all the pictures I took with my phone are horrible looking. You know, puffy red eyes, uncombed hair, no makeup, let alone moisturizer because I literally got out of the shower, my water broke and I threw on clothes and left for the hospital.

I think most people who read my blog know by now, but just in case you don't, and you aren't on my facebook, or other social networking avenues (because I am oh-so-very social...) yes, my water has broke. Early. Really early.

I don't know what happened. I had a pretty big bleed on Tuesday but by the time I made it up to Portland for my appointment it had tapered off...but you can read all about that in an earlier post if you want. Things looked as good as they could look according to my doctor. I made a point of asking her if I had more bleeds-not hemorrhaging, just bleeding-or if my water broke could I skip the Salem hospital and just come straight up here to the one she works out of. She basically said unless I was bleeding to death or in an obvious labor pattern she was more than fine with me coming up here if I felt like I could tolerate the drive.

So I showered this morning. Thought about shaving my legs but then decided I could do it tomorrow. I have a cold and was just feeling like crap and wanted to crawl back into bed. I should have shaved those legs. They need it.

When I was getting dressed I bent over to pick up my clothes off the floor and felt like I'd pee'd myself. Grabbed a towel to clean up and out came more. And more. So I finished dressing and called the doctor to let them know I was heading up to the hospital. No contractions. No cramping-not even what has become my normal/baseline. I do feel like I've been doing a ton of sit ups but I figured that was just my muscles. My doctor things it's my uterus being sore, but doesn't really know what it means.

6 hours after getting up here I finally got moved from triage to my room. I'm on Zithromycin in the IV once a day for 2 days and Ampicilin every 6 hours in the IV for 2 days. And then...I guess I go home? Yikes. My labs looked alright. My white count is slightly elevated, but not out of control. It could just be because of pregnancy, or because of my cold, but it doesn't indicate an infection that we need to worry about. The antibiotics are basically "just in case". They call them "latent antibiotics", whatever that actually means.

I'm really worried about going home. I hate the idea of going home to wait 3 weeks just to be readmitted. If I last that long. I did tell my doctor that if she sends me home she can expect to hear from me. A lot. Because suddenly every little twinge, and almost-tightening becomes worrisome. They did decide to leave the cerclage in right now, until (if) it becomes a problem, then it would have to be removed. Right now I'm depending on the cerclage to keep He-Man's little feet up inside me where they belong. I just can't help feeling like IF things go south and I have to deliver, I HAVE GOT to be able to look back and feel like EVERYTHING was done. The last two times I look back and have too many "what-if's" which translate to guilt for me. What if I'd had progesterone injections with Taela? Or a cerclage? What if I'd had a cerclage with Aiyana? Or not been sent home from the hospital while bleeding, only to have my water break the next day? What if I'd pushed harder to have these things NOT happen? I need to be able to look back and see that everything was done that could be done. And to me, that means staying in the hospital even if all the hospital can do is take my temp and keep me hydrated. Sure, I can do that at home, but...it's not the hospital (sorry Mom!)

So...there's my day. I really did try to get a picture of my game face. My brave face. And if I don't answer a phone call from any of you it's because the little bit of a brave face I have has crumbled at the mere thought of having to try and talk about everything. Isn't the internet a wonderful thing? I can give all my updates and cry all the way through them and no one has to be the wiser!

My drama-filled day!

2011-03-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Got up and got in the shower to get ready for an appointment an hour  away. Luckily I stayed at home last night (to watch the finale of  Bachelor w/o my dad snarking in the background ) so I didn't have to worry about making sure the girls were out of mischief/ready for school.

I was up most the night with a sinus headache that came on hard and fast  at around 1am and also with a BAD back ache that I couldn't shake and  contractions that were starting to hurt. The Procardia got them down to 5  an hour and kept them that way for 3 hours at a time so I decided to  wait it out since I had an appointment in the morning. 

In the shower I realized I was bleeding. I've had what would probably be  called "bloody show" since Friday but not full on bleeding and not  enough blood to make me freak out. So seeing blood in the shower was a  bit of a shock. I decided maybe it just looked like a lot because of the  water swirling it around so I finished quickly and got out. At that point if I'd had a measuring cup handy I probably would have caught at  least 1/2c -3/4c of blood just flowing out. It was exactly like my big bleeds last pregnancy. So I sat  there kind of going "now what???" I was home alone, with only 4 or 5  pads in my cupboard, but beyond that, how was I going to get myself from  there into any kind of clothes without bleeding all over my house?  Yeah. The things I choose to worry about  

Then it seemed to slow down so that it was more of a heavy dripping so I  quickly got dressed and laid down, trying to decide if I should go to  the hospital here in town-which I am loathe to do because they aren't MY  doctors and refuse to transport me unless I have to deliver or am 24  weeks; or should I drive up to my appointment an hour away?   

45 minutes later and 4 soaked pads later it just suddenly stopped. Yeah,  45 minutes and I was still debating where I should go to  

So I got myself into the car and drove up to my appointment.  Ultrasound  shows my cervix as being all kinds of cramped up so they couldn't get a  good measurement-the only one they could get was almost 5cm and we KNOW  my cervix isn't that long. It's about 2cm dilated from the outside to  the stitch and about 1cm from the inside to the stitch, but the stitch  is holding tight so at this point they consider it "closed" because it's  less than 1cm of an opening right at the stitch and the stitch isn't  budging/stretching with any pressure. 

The placenta looks "normal" as in they couldn't see where the bleed was  from, but it was definitely from inside and not the outside of my cervix  like my doctor had hoped. When she did a speculum exam she was hoping  to see a polyp or a burst vein or maybe even see where the stitch was  ripping through (yeah...somehow the fact that THAT would have been more  positive than my placenta bleeding just makes me  !)  But instead she kind of freaked out because the bleeding, while not  actively flowing at the time, was definitely from my uterus, and more  than that, I'm most definitely losing my mucus plug in copious amounts.  She said that to her that indicates some pretty good (bad?) uterine  activity because for the amount that came out on the swab she was using  to wipe around the cervix to even make it through the hourglass section  of my cerclage meant there was some force behind it, whether that force  was the blood or what caused the blood she's not sure.

If I were 4 more weeks along she'd admit me. Can I tell you how much I  hate hearing that? I get it, but I hate it. If my placenta was 1cm  closer to my cervix she'd admit me but it's just barely out of range of  what she'd consider marginal previa so she can't admit me based on that.  And if the procardia wasn't helping the contractions I'd be at the  hospital. 

So...all in all...I'm home. Well at my parents' home. If I have any more bleeds like that I'm  supposed to let her know and she'll decide if I need to come up to that  hospital or go to the one here that I want to skip. If my water breaks  and I'm NOT in labor then I can make the drive up to her hospital but if  I'm hemorrhaging or in active labor she'd rather I go to the hospital  here and be transported via ambulance. If I start having random bleeds  like I had last time she'll admit me, but we are hoping this was a  one-time thing. 

Good news: we got all the pictures of baby's heart and everything looks  fine. AND I got a rx for Fioricet because she agrees that I need  something for the migraines that the progesterone shots seem to cause.  I'm bummed that she's keeping my due date the same but oh well. She'll  do another growth u/s in 4 weeks to make sure my placenta isn't failing  and that he's still on his apparently huge growth curve. And actually  she decided to bump it back to my original one of July 30, which puts me  at only 20w3d. Which sucks. But she feels like bumping it ahead, in the  case of "should we deliver or not?" might be detrimental to the baby I  guess.

Tonight can't come soon enough!

2011-03-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

John is supposed to show up here at Mom and Dad's with one of these for me. Preferably medium and not tiny, small or large. (do you think he's going to read this today?**) I might even have him get me one tomorrow night. And Saturday, too!

On Tuesday I had an appointment up in Portland. It's the first one John has taken time off work to come to. So funny how different that is from our first. With Keira he came to literally every appointment with me. He was in school and later in school and interning so it was pretty easy for me to schedule appointments around his classes. With Scharae he came to the first one-dating ultrasound-and the 20 weeks one-anatomy scan-and then after we found out my cervix wasn't behaving I think he tried to come to all of them, to at least wrangle Keira while I was having the appointment. With Taela I think he came to 3 or 4. Maybe 2 with Aiyana. And then this time he's been to 1. And I think that'll be all he's at unless for some reason I think it'll be an exciting appointment. It's not that the wonder and excitement isn't there after the first. Ok, actually I do think that's part of it. But having to take precious vacation time that he won't then have later when we need it definitely plays a huge part in it all!

So at the appointment He-Man was measuring 97-99% (the 99% being his tummy and head...I might just be happy I'm having a c-section if he goes to term!) across the board. The only measurement that wasn't 10-14 days ahead of schedule was the cerebellum. That was showing maybe 4-6 days ahead, so still within the realm of an accurate measurement. I was thinking that my doctor would go ahead and change the date up a week based on the new average...nope. She made me do the gestational diabetes test which they don't typically do until 24-28 weeks.

I guess that in babies that measure large due to GD or tiny due to IUGR (growth restriction) the cerebellum will still measure pretty much spot-on. It doesn't seem to fluctuate with the overall size of the baby so she was really expecting me to fail the GD test, even though the highest I've ever scored on it is 107 (she uses 130 as her cut-off). My mom had 4 babies with no GD and then ended up having it with Erik. I guess the more pregnancies you have the higher your chances are to develop GD.

The good news-and the reason I will be gorging myself on blizzards-is that I not only passed it, I ACED it! I scored a whopping 65 on it!!! Not my lowest ever, but definitely plenty low. So bring on the blizzards!

I've been feeling like I am about as big as I ever got with Aiyana and sort of feeling depressed by that. I weighed a little bit more going into things this time, and I haven't gained but 5 or 6 pounds, but I've just been feeling huge. Well, He-Man looks to be weighing 10oz right now. Aiyana weighed 12oz when she was born at almost 4 weeks farther along! No wonder I'm looking to be about as big! I've never had a baby measuring big before. Scharae was decent sized for 35 weeks-she was 6lb 15oz-but still not big by any stretch of the words! This might be a new and exciting experience!

**I didn't really know that John knew I blogged. I'm glad I've not really ever gone into any kind of negative vent on here about him! I don't have that much to vent about to be honest, but still I'm glad he didn't get on here and read anything that would make him sad. He only uses IE and I pretty much only use Firefox unless I'm working-FF doesn't support my programs for work-but I guess he opened up FF on his laptop(MY backup that he has claimed as his even though he has one just as new...oh wait, it's all the way across the bedroom hooked up to the TV for watching Hulu) and I have my blog dashboard link thing saved as a bookmark on there. So...if you seen any weird and bizarre posts on here, be warned that they're by him, and not me!

The name that isn't.

2011-02-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

For what might be the first time, John has emphatically nixed a name that I fell in love with.

It is a lovely name. An inspiring name, I think.

All he can think of is "old men" and "socks". So...I have relegated that beloved name to my decorating/crafting schemes of the future.

First, let me set the stage.

Someday {soon} I will have an area similar to this:

It is simply the very average, very normal closet of what appears to be an average, normal bedroom. Like my "office" or "break room" as the girls call it (because I tend to go in there and tell them to leave me alone for 3 minutes so I don't blow my top on rough days). Unfortunately, with He-Man coming (Keira wanted to name him Adam, like He-Man's real name...nope. sorry. But I can handle the nickname) I am in danger of losing my sewing space!? NO!!!!!

See how she has her fabric in piles up on top? I'm going to do something more like this: (thanks for pointing me this direction, Amy!)

I don't have a huge ol' ton of fabric, so I know it'll fit on boards up on the top shelf of my future sewing closet just fine.

If you look closely at the picture of the closet you'll see the table. It's cut down the middle of it lengthwise and mounted to the wall so that it's half (or there abouts) as deep as it originally was. I currently have a raw-wood basic table from IKEA that I can totally see doing this to. We don't need it anywhere else so I think I'll get it painted and have it cut and mounted for my table. I don't use the back half of the depth anyhow...except to gather junk on. Of course.

Don't really like buntings, or whatever that banner thing is called, unless it's for a holiday or party, so that'll be left out of my final plan. I'm not really a fan of the colors used, but I'll figure something out-probably blues and greens and browns to go with the rest of the nursery decor.

Nursery. We've never had a nursery before! We were in apartments when the girls were little and they were in our room when each of them was born. And to be honest, I haven't done anything with their room here so far. It's a mix of Thomas and girly colors. Including one large Thomas toy box that looks like a train (thanks, Debra and Brig!) and another toybox that is apparently a Cabbage Patch one, all pink and purple and flowers. Very eclectic. The Thomas wall stickers can't go because what would the Thomas sheets match to? And also because at least once a week one of the girls forgets our rule about not thanking God for each and every Thomas sticker individually (usually Scharae). But I'm hoping getting a nursery done will help inspire me-and the girls-for their room! Maybe if I get their quilts done, too...yikes.

Ok, so back to the name that isn't.

Argyle. I love it. John thinks I'm nuts and says no way. So instead it will just be a defining characteristic of He-Man. At least until he can make his own style choices, He-Man and argyle will be united. When you think about him you'll think about argyle. And vice-versa.

And the best part? Argyle is versatile. I can pick up some plain old sweaters at the thrift store and make He-Man something like this: (while you're checking out the link, be sure and notice the AWESOME wedding cake. If John and I ever renew our vows I want a cake with argyle on it. Or maybe just a birthday cake with argyle?)

Of course, I'll be able to make it any color I like. One for every day of the week, perhaps. Or not. At least he'll wear them for Sundays. And Easter pictures. Family pictures in general.

Not to worry, argyle now crosses the gender lines! I think once upon a time it was reserved for stodgy old men playing golf, but that is not the case anymore!

Can't you just see the fun I can have with this? The girls can coordinate with He-Man very nicely!

Beyond being multi-gendered, argyle is also multi-styled. It can be done up as clothing, definitely. But what about this? It is definitely on my list of things to be making. Soon. From Little Birdie Secrets, an absolutely adorable argyle quilt. Again, so versatile. I could easily make it larger, make a wall hanging, or crib bumper stuff...not that we have or ever have had a crib...

And if that's not enough...John hasn't said no to this:

Although, to be honest, I really don't want that much argyle, quite. Not all the walls anyhow. I'm thinking something more like this:

Again, crazy picture spacing. I really like this room the best, except it's missing the dotted lines that go through the diamonds. Gotta have that, for sure. And I LOVE the pinwheel mobile thing! And the colors.

So there you have it. The name that isn't, and probably only was even wanted to be because I'm stuck here in bed lying (laying?) around all day doing my best to have a good and positive attitude and not get too bored or whiny. I've read some blogs by women that have had cerclages and are then on strict bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy and good golly are they full of whining and griping. My take? It's {ideally} going to have a better-than-good outcome. So I'll take it. Not that it's not hard or depressing some days. Not that I haven't snapped at my mom or the girls or my dear sweet husband. I just hope they think it's worth it to have me snap temporarily in the end, too!

What have I been up to?

2011-02-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

I've been busy making these cute little things-pardon the cell phone quality of the pictures.

This is a preemie sized one...albeit a large preemie. I think it's for like a 5-7lb baby, which is about the range my girls were at, so I figure it'll fit little man eventually, right?

This is a Newborn one apparently...and for once my gauge actually lined up perfectly with the listed gauge! I left the ears off on this one, partially because I was bored of assembling them but also because I think it looks more owlish w/o the ears. Like a baby owl or something! It reminds me of the owls in that Legends of the Guardian: The Owls of Ga'hoole movie.

And this is one that Crystal sent me yarn for. It's a 6-12m size...and I'm so worried it'll be too big! It measures right on, but it just looks so good. But I LOVE the colors!

The ones I made for me don't have buttons in the eyes yet. I didn't think I REALLY needed them...until I look at them next to my Crystal's WITH buttons. Mine look so...vacant or something! Kind of reminds me of some old pictures of Scharae:

Wow. That was more pictures than I intended. And I hate the new picture uploader thing and how it sticks my pictures where it wants. Sorry if they're all scattered all over! Basically...the owl hat with no buttons in the eyes reminds me of all our early pictures of Scharae-huge eyes and semi-blank stare!

A little update

2011-02-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

Got a great picture of baby boy Calder today! He wouldn't give a profile shot at all so we had to settle for this one! (that's a leg off to the left and the shadow of one going off to the right...basically you're looking up from underneath his bottom between his legs, for those of you who are ultrasoundily challenged *coughmomanddadcough*)

My doctor thinks I have a bladder infection, even though the initial STAT UA results came back clean. I'm just having bad cramping and cramping/contracting 3-5 minutes apart pretty much all the time. We talked about her calling in antibiotics just in case it hasn't shown up yet.

My cervix is softer than it was 10 days ago and she really feels like the only thing "holding it together" is the stitch she put in and told me she's really glad we got it in when we did. It measures 4.2cm on the ultrasound, 3.8 with a contraction, which is longer than it was 10 days ago and she's sure that it's because of the bed rest. But when she did an exam she said it actually feels to be more like 3cm/2.5cm (with a contraction) and she told me that the ultrasound lengths are always "trumped up a bit" because the tech is essentially eyeballing where the internal and external openings are. So it's actually quite a bit shorter than it felt when she put the stitch in. There's only about 1.2cm above the stitch instead of the 2cm there used to be so she's concerned about it shortening from the top up, although there's length below it still, but she really doesn't like the idea of it getting to the point where baby is literally directly on top of the stitch.

I had my first progesterone injection. After having had the steroid shots before, the progesterone ones are cake!

Oh, and I've recently been told that my blog is quite graphic...sorry. You've been warned!

Today

2011-02-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

I went up to Portland for a last minute appointment this morning. My cramping got better by Wednesday, but I started having new red blood whenever I'd get up to go to the lavatory (that's what Keira insists we call the bathroom these days!) or shower. Not an alarming amount by any means, but this morning I decided to call since we're coming in to the weekend, just to reassure myself-and John.

Got a call back at 9 asking me to be there for their only open appointment...at 10. It takes nearly an hour to get there and I hadn't even gotten out of bed, brushed my teeth, let alone showered yet! John was home with Scharae because she got sick overnight and he needed to be around to pick Keira up from Kindergarten, so I drove myself up.

The ultrasound tech told me that she's almost positive it's a boy I've got growing inside me! She wouldn't print out the money shots because it's still so early, but she showed them to me and they definitely looked ALL BOY, and nothing like what the 4 girls have looked like!

I had to stop for the lavatory (hehe) on the way home so I pulled in to a Target and did a bit of quick shopping-I hadn't told John yet! The above pictures show what I got him. Not much, just in case it's wrong, but for now we're super excited for a boy!!!! John is so proud of himself!

As for the bleeding, it's definitely not coming from my uterus, which rules out an abruption like I had with Aiyana. My cervix is a little bit shorter than it was 3 weeks ago and on Monday, but not enough to freak out about-it's still plenty long, although it still is certainly very soft, which is what is causing the problem. Apparently when I get up the pressure pushing down makes my cervix tug against the stitch. And since the tissue is so soft that is causing the bleeding. Typically by Day 5 post-op there should be no new blood.

The fix? Yeah. You guessed it. Stay down. So I'll stay down and then if it seems to be better I can try increasing my activity a bit like we had already planned...but for now, down I stay!

Cerclage Update

2011-01-31T18:53:00.000-08:00

I survived! I had a breakdown in the OR while getting the spinal. I never had one before and everyone was great but for some reason sitting on the bed in the OR waiting for the spinal just freaked me out. I was seriously ready to call it off and run out of there. I'm not a panicky or anxious person by nature, but it was bad. Then they had a bit of trouble getting it in the right spot and kept hitting bone and it just freaked me out and I was all crying and shaking. It was nuts.

Then the actual procedure...imagine sitting up and then tipping back onto your back but your legs are still in a 90 degree angle, feet hanging from hooks. For an hour. UGH. But l survived. My doctor did a Shridokar (sp?) cerclage which took about twice the time she had scheduled. She did this because while my cervix was still long and closed, she said it was super soft, definitely softer than two weeks ago and it should be nice and firm at 14 weeks. This method of cerclage runs under 1/2 the thickness of the cervix all the way around instead of coming in and out all the way around. I guess it doesn't depend on the integrity of the cervix as much as the typical McDonald method.

Unfortunately it involved a lot more pushing, pulling and a clamp that was tugging on the cervix. I am cramping so badly. Two Percocet hasn't touched it. My legs are almost all the way un numb but my butt and crotch are numb as can be. The nurse just cathed over 1000ml of urine out of me and I'm hoping that'll relieve a lot if the cramping! if not then I'll be staying overnight for observation...

Baby Update

2011-01-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of people wondering how things are going for us here on the baby front, so here's an update.

I'm 14 weeks along, so I'm finally into the 2nd trimester! I've had bleeding and spotting for just about the last 4 weeks. Initially my placenta was completely covering the cervix and it appeared that the bleeding was coming from there. I took it real easy for two weeks and went back in for another ultrasound. As of last Monday my placenta has moved a bit so while the cervix is still totally covered, it does appear that the placenta should move completely away.

My cervix measured 3.5cm which is good. Anything under 3 is when my doctor gets worried. However, with pressure on my uterus-to simulate a contraction or prolonged standing/walking around-my cervix measurement dropped to 2.5cm which isn't such a great sign.

In light of all that I will be having a cerclage put in on Monday. There are two different methods that my doctor is considering and she'll make that call based on how my cervix looks/feels when she gets in there I guess. I'm not too educated on the different methods.

The cerclage is sort of a "we don't know if it will work but we've not tried it before so we'll see if it works or not" thing. It is not without risks but in this case the doctor and I both feel that the benefits outweigh the risks. At least I won't be left wondering "what if?" the way I sort of have been with Taela and Aiyana.

About 2/3 women get a cerclage put in and go about the rest of the pregnancy with no problem. No bedrest, no complications, etc. And then they have it removed around 36/37 weeks and have a lovely full term pregnancy. My doctor believes I'll be in the other 1/3 who have a rougher go of it. My uterus is already irritable. I went to Target for an hour on Saturday and then was all crampy and bleeding again for the next 2 days. We're pretty much assuming that with the cerclage that won't change much and I'll still have to stay down most of the time. Time will tell, but that's sort of what I've been told to expect. I'll likely be on some sort of medicine to prevent contractions on top of the progesterone injections I'll be starting in 2 weeks.

So, our plan so far: Cerclage on Monday the 31st. John'll drive me home to my parents from there and we'll plan to stay the night there...and go from there. My parents are awesome and are going to let us stay out there. My girls both go to school everyday out in Silverton. Keira's school is like 1/8 mile from the house and Scharae catches the bus at my parents' driveway. So being out there will take a load off. I think until we see what direction my body decides to take we'll just sort of have a contingency plan to hang out there. Not sure where John will be-probably spend some nights at home and some in Silverton, depending on how late/early he's working.

So, there's my latest. I'll be sure and update after the surgery on Monday :)

The bump

2011-01-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

11 weeks

2011-01-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

My big girl has lost her very first tooth! Bring on the awkward pictures with mismatched teeth!!!

Today

2011-01-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

I had yet another appointment at my trusty dermatologist's office in Portland. This is my "before" picture. I know it's a bad picture. It's my left ring finger. I've had a big ugly wart there for about five years. After nearly 6 months of treating it there has been absolutely no response. It's been frozen, painted with some sort of blistering agent and injected with a yeast derivative to try and spark an immune response. Nada. Last month I asked if I could just have it cut out. I'm just done with it. A nail disease specialist that is at OHSU once a month just happened to be in the office that day and was willing to consult on it. She suggested splitting the nail and cutting it out and hyphercating (cauterizing) it, as well as sending a biopsy of it out for pathology...possible skin cancer. Again. So that's what I spent my morning doing.

So this is after. It's wrapped up all huge and down around my wrist to anchor it. And it hurts. A lot. I watched the whole thing which Dr. Hopkins couldn't quit commenting on. He said he has no problem doing such procedures but could never watch it being done on his own body. I find it all kinds of intriguing, though! But it doesn't change the fact that it hurts! About 1/4-1/3 of the nail was removed and a fair chunk of tissue beneath. I should have the pathology results in about a week.

2010...quickly

2011-01-03T23:27:00.000-08:00

I think you should be able to click on the pictures to make them bigger. This is what I sent out as a sort of newsletter. And yes it was done purposely after Christmas (but I did get it mailed before New Years Day...even though it didn't get to anyone before yesterday or today!)

If you didn't get one, I apologize. I didn't send out a ton of them, and decided while in the middle of doing envelopes that I could probably put it up here on my blog and hit just as many people, but faster!

NYE Party!

2011-01-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

Keira and Scharae hosted a NYE party at Nana & Papa's house this year. There was a bonfire with polish dogs and marshmallows, floats, veggies, chips and pico (made with my new food processor!) and hot tubbing! After the girls were in bed the adults played dice and card games while waiting to ring in the new year!

The girls got these warm cuddly pj pants and bathrobes from Nana and Papa for Christmas. They're practically living in them!

Scharae helped Papa shoot off Old Betsy "at midnight" (around 9:30 or so) before heading to bed. She did great...until it got mentioned that sometimes those guns can bump and hurt someone's shoulder. Then she suddenly decided it had hurt her and cried for all she was worth. But really, I'm pretty sure she was fine ;)

Christmas Eve

2011-01-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve was spent at my parents' house. We had an awesome 3 course fondue dinner! Cheese fondue recipe was from one of mom's friends in Europe. It was awesome...and we had way more cheese than we needed! We also had oil to cook chunks of roast and shrimp in. For dessert it was, of course, chocolate! Keira and Scharae insisted on dressing up for their "feast dinner" and sure looked cute!

After the girls were in bed Santa paid a visit. Up until Christmas Eve night they were adamant non-believers. They knew that others believed, but they didn't really care to. But then mom showed them pictures she had of Erik's brother-in-law dressed up as Santa...and they suddenly decided they needed Santa to come to their house, too! So my dad dressed up and John took video while I took some pictures of him putting something under the tree!

Scharae's hair

2010-12-20T16:26:00.000-08:00


Scharae has been obsessively chewing on her hair so today it was time for a haircut.


It is a very "grown up" haircut. Very layered and away from the face. Not really my favorite style...but it touches her shoulders which was her hugest concern about having it cut!

Silly smiles

2010-12-20T15:54:00.000-08:00

This is to get mom back for putting a picture of me on her website ;)

Big smiles!

Not sure what's up with Scharae's latest cheesie smile!

Like I said...cheesie smile!

UGH

2010-12-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

This afternoon was just one of those days.

I've looked all over for a certain item to be used in a project. Finally settled on something that I thought might work-even though I figured it wouldn't. And it didn't. Well, it sort of did, but not very effectively. So that project is a bust. And it was for a baby shower on Saturday, so I went back to the drawing board.

So I started on a skirt. Which was way too long. Tried to turn it into a pillowcase dress which was a long drawn out disaster of a failure.

My sewing machine is giving me grief. My serger thread is going nuts. Every time I came into the kitchen Keira would be on top of the table (what the heck!?). Every time I came in the living room she was balancing along the backs of the sofas or behind them pushing them around the room.

My girls who normally go straight to sleep at 5:30 are still awake. I'm done going in there. I've taken away flashlights (nightlights w/back up batteries), put away books, gotten them back out of dress-up clothes and back into jammies, put away the dollhouse and all it's paraphernalia, etc.

I have a cold. I'm on the upside-finally-but I am just exhausted. And I haven't eaten dinner. But John's fixing that problem-Panada Express is on it's way, so I hear...

Still not sure what to do for the baby shower gift, though :\

Not a day to repeat any time soon!

2010-11-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

We have a membership at the KROC center.

It's pretty great. 2 hours of child care per day for the girls while I go workout, shower...read by their fireplace! Better than Fred Meyer's play area-especially since they're kicking Keira out after Christmas Break (because she's now "school age" instead of preschool I guess).

My deal with the girls has been that if they will happily go to the play area on MWF I will take them swimming T/TH. The idea being for them to be holding me accountable for exercising. Of course if I have something "more important" to do then exercise/swimming is the first thing to go. But it's a good goal to have, right?

This place has a great pool. It's got a lazy river thing with a playground manned with squirt gun things that the kids can aim. There's a part that starts at toe-deep and gradually gets deeper. Spray features, etc. And M-TH from 2-3 they have Parent/Tot swim for kids 6 and under. Perfect for this mama that isn't too hip on keeping track of her two hooligans in a pool full of random people. All the times we've been there haven't been more than 3 other parent/tot groups!

Yesterday when I picked the girls up after exercising they were asking {again} about the huge rock wall. I {again} fudged a bit and told them that they weren't old enough. Keira asked if they had to "be 14 or something big like that?" and before I could lie to her and say yes {ok, really I would have side stepped it and not actually lied...just deflected!} a KROC employee stepped in and asked how old she and Scharae were. Upon hearing they're older than 3 this very *helpful* employee told them that M-F at 3 the wall was open for them to climb.

Thanks.

It's not that I think it's dangerous. I really don't. But I like that they don't really know how to climb the rock walls at some of the playgrounds around here. Those go up pretty high and aren't belay-equipped!

So today the girls planned the afternoon. First, school for Keira and work for me and Scharae. Then lunch. Then they wanted to go to the play area while I exercised. But I couldn't exercise as long as yesterday-only until almost the 2. And then I needed to come get them and take them swimming for the whole 2 and then after the 3 they would climb the rock.

And we did all that. And I'm exhausted. Bone weary. It's 8:10 and I can hardly keep my eyes open! I think from now on we'll either exercise or swim/climb the wall. I had considered having them climb after exercising, but the reality is I'd rather be done exercising and gone before 3. So swimming/climbing it'll be. But really, I don't want to do all 3 of those again any time soon!

On the climbing note, they did great! Well, Keira did. She wouldn't stay to the side where the worker was trying to direct her-where the hand/footholds were closer together. She wanted to only use the ones that were green or had green tape by them. So she made it harder on herself but she still made it up at least 20-30 feet. Scharae...she mostly just went up high enough to kick off and swing down! I'll have to remember my camera on Thursday when we go swimming/climbing again!